How Family History Affects My Everyday Life

I am Cherokee. I have my tribal connections, family traditions and the soul of someone connected to this earth in a way many are not. But it was not always this way. It has taken years and time to understand why the past was so hard for me. As an adult and after a lot of questions with answers I had to drag out of much of the family I now understand a lot more, and the reasons behind many of the secrets.

I am a fair skinned , red head. I have all Cherokee features which makes me look different from most whites and Indians. Growing up as a teen in the 70's was not easy. Even as a child I was told to say I was white, not Cherokee. When I questioned this I was just told to do it and be quiet. All of this created a tug of war with my soul. I believed in a Christian God, but knew there was something different in the way I believed and yet I could not figure out what it was until later in life.

I was raised pretty traditional in the way of the Indian life style as far as survival, hunting, fishing and simple life. I thought this was how all children were raised until I was a little older. As a teen I began the question process and was given very limited answers. I was pushed toward dating only whites and felt it was unreasonable since my own father was Indian. I did not get the great tan's required in the 70's and I did not have the cute button nose all women were required to be considered pretty. I was different.

Now I can look back and understand a lot more. My great grandmother was one of the many children taken from their homes in a misguided, but well meaning attempt to teach Native American children to live as whites, talk as whites and become educated as whites to better fit among the society at that time. It was a great school, but they destroyed the lifestyle and heritage of many good families.

My own family from that side was greatly affected and taught to fit in to this world you had to be white. The Indian race was becoming a fading nation. This is the reason I was told to say I was white. Not because they were racist, but because of the affect racism had had on their lives. Dating and marrying white was to insure my safety in a society that catered to whites much more than any other color.

I also learned many Indian women even into today's more open and accepting society feel they will go further if they invest in plastic surgery to give their own noses a more European look. This is a sad truth, but for many it makes a difference in there lives and how it is shaped for the future. So I learned I was not alone in how I felt about my own looks.

One of the major changes for me was in my out look at Christianity, God and our countries history as presented to me as a child. Even now when I watch great old movies or listen to others talk about how this country was built by great men my eyes see the slaughter and attempted genocide of a nation. Forced marches to reservations to make room for the great farms and towns of the new word. The defeat of a people no longer allowed to take care of themselves and had to settle for beef provided by the government from histories great cattle barons.

I listen as people talk about the wagon trains and the fear of Indian attack with no mention of the phrase "the only good Indian is a dead one" that was popular at the time. I listen to history of how the buffalo was killed in great numbers for the sport and yet in the same conversation how many Indian were starving and begging food from whites. They were looked at as lazy. Well there main food sources were being killed and they were being forced into area's without family and without knowledge of conditions.

My view of God. I think of the missions in California and how they brought the word of God to these great native peoples by enforced slavery. Men and women separated from each other even though they were married in the Indian way but not according to the white man's way. Children taken from parents. It may seem a small thing to many, but to a culture it was a complete change and defeat of a people.

I still believe in God, but now I know he is in many forms and for me it is that of the Great Spirit. I now know why so many things I learned as a child to be just every day information is termed as "survivalism" for the more radical members of society. I know now why I have such a connection to the earth, sky and water. I am now proud of my features even when others are not. I know who I am and why I feel the way I do so much of the time when the past says I should feel differently. I am proud to be Cherokee. I am just me.