How I Fell in Love with My Baby

Our second son was a shock to the system for us, even more so than our completely unplanned first son. My husband and I had only just begun thinking about have a second child when I had the positive pregnancy test.

The pregnancy was a blur of emotions; some negative, some positive, but all overwhelming. I was only barely able to cope with one child, my young toddler who was loud and active and very spirited. I had no clue how I was going to handle a second child. Then came the nausea and the heartburn, two things that my first pregnancy went by without. One right after another I found myself facing all the ugly symptoms of pregnancy, which made me feel nervous and discouraged after my practically perfect first pregnancy. With each day I felt more and more unattached to the growing child within me.

Labor day came quick and painful. My perfect birth became a whirlwind of confusion and fear, and ended with the kind of medical nightmare that I had fought to avoid. Suddenly I found myself alone, in a cold room, with this tiny newborn on my chest. And all of the feelings that I was supposed to feel were not there. I could look back to the birth of my first son, to my exclamation of how perfect he was, to the wonderful lightheaded feeling of floating in the clouds. But none of that was there the second time, and I wondered if I had made a huge mistake.

At home my days and nights blurred into a long stretch of time. Constant nursing and diaper changes, a toddler still in need of his mommy's time, and no family able to help out I was lost. In an effort to save some of my sanity I did what my instincts told me, I curled up in bed next to my baby and slept. With my first son sleeping together usually happened when, at the end of the day, we would doze off together. My husband disagreed with co-sleeping, and it seemed that the experts did too. So by three months my oldest was in his crib for the night on a full time basis. But things were not to follow pattern the second time.

My second son loves to nurse, often. He also sleeps better when he can hear my heartbeat. Night after night I would curl up in bed with my newborn wrapped up next to me, and we would drift off to sleep listening to each other breath. Mornings I would wake to his eyes, watching my face with curiosity and love; and I would wake refreshed after getting a nearly solid night of sleeping. My baby nursed on and off throughout the night as he pleased, and I only woke briefly for a moment or two. Exhaustion and fatigue became something that other mothers faced.

Now at six months old, I have fallen so in love with my little boy. Mornings I wake to his smiling face and little hand upon my cheek. I fall asleep with his toes curling and relaxing against my side, his arm stretched out across my chest, and the sound of his soft baby breath. I could not imagine sleeping anywhere else in the world. Once unattached and aloof, now I feel the kind of bond that I feel with my toddler. My husband, too, gets to enjoy a special bond with his new son. They are often found curled up next to each other for a morning nap, or snuggled together for a late morning. Once skeptical and unsure he has seen the positive benefits that co-sleeping has on our lives. I wake happy and ready to face the day, which means a more joyful day for all of us.