How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship

I know that I'm personally guilty of it - fighting dirty. And in talking to other couples, it seems a lot of people are. I tend to swear A LOT when fighting with my husband, depending on what the subject is and how heated it gets. I tend to toss things around the house and walk away when he starts stating his opinion. Then I got to thinking about it - for a lot of people, it's true that we tend to be kinder to strangers we meet in stores then our own loved ones. And I realized that I should learn to fight more fairly, because my husband at least deserves that.

Fighting amongst couples is inevitable and even healthy in some instances. But fighting fairly is the ultimate show of respect and caring for your partner. Here are some tips to keep in mind the next time there's a blowout in your relationship. I fully plan on trying to follow these myself in the future.

The Do's

Keep it private. If you can help it, don't fight in public. It generally looks bad to start a fight in a department store or at a friend's party. Instead, agree to disagree and to talk about it in the near future when you can be alone. Also, don't ever fight in front of your kids. They say kids are resilient, but they also remember quite a bit, and remembering their parents fighting is no exception.

Get to the point. There's no need to drudge up little things that have nothing to do with the big issue at hand. If it's a large number of little things that are bugging you, then the best thing you can do is make a list and talk about that. But otherwise, if there's one big issue at hand, stick only to that issue.

Go to bed angry. This, of course, goes against many a piece of marriage advice out there. But really, what is wrong with going to bed angry? Often times, we get so riled up when fighting with our spouse that you can sometimes spit out some words in anger, and instantly regret them. If you feel like things are getting out of hand, why not just put it aside, make temporary peace, and go to sleep on it. That way, you'll wake up in the morning refreshed and with a different perspective. After all, things always look different in the morning.

Bring things up right away. Don't wait until something has bothered you for so long that you blow up huge when you finally do talk about it. Resentment is an awful thing that only serves to hurt you the most, so make sure not to bottle things up.

Realize that your spouse can't read your mind. They may be doing things day in and day out that annoy you and get under your skin, but don't attack them expecting that they know about it. Think about it, in your day to day activities, are you always considering that maybe you leaving that glass on the counter is annoying your mate? It's likely that they're not thinking of how they're getting on your nerves, either. When it comes to habits that annoy you, just gently inform your spouse about them. More than likely, they'll do their best to fix it!

Be armed with a solution. Instead of just starting a fight with your spouse and ragging on them about your differences, be ready to offer a solution to the issue. For example, my husband & I work next door to each other, so we began carpooling. However, he tends to work late and was keeping me waiting for him all the time. Instead of blowing up and arguing about it, I told him that it really bothered me, and I think that from now on, we should take separate cars so there's no pressure on him to leave right away, and I'm not left waiting. For awhile now we've put this solution in place, and we're both much happier for it. And voila...no big blowup!

Talk about your perspective on things. Instead of just accusing the other person of their 'wrong doings', explain your side to them. For example, instead of accusing your husband of being insensitive because he doesn't help you with housework as often as you'd like, tell him that it you feel like you could use more help around the house and you feel like you're doing a lot of things alone. Sometimes just the tone you use and the perspective you point out makes all the difference -- accusations make people feel defensive, but pointing out how you feel makes people sympathize with you instead.

Remember why you're with this person. During times where you're fighting, this might be a real hard thought to process. But if you get a quiet moment (especially after the fight), think about why you're with this person and how you first got together. Chances are, just remembering these things will trigger feelings of hope and love, and they can help you get through any tough times you face.

The Don'ts

Don't bring up the past. If you're fighting about taking out the trash tonight, don't bring up the time he didn't do the dishes three months ago. Keep to the subject at hand. A good rule of thumb is any issue older than three days is a lost opportunity.

Don't swear or call names. This is definitely the time to stay respectful of your spouse. Swearing tends to escalate the anger in fighting, and name calling puts people on the defensive (and with good reason!). Not to mention that you might say something you'll regret later. Remember to treat your spouse how you would like to be treated.

Don't involve other people. There's a difference between some light venting after your fight, and asking your in-laws, family, and friends to get involved. It not only forces them to choose sides, but makes everything really awkward afterwards. And don't ever put your children on the spot and in the middle of your fight...this is just wrong on so many levels.

Don't laugh at what the other person has to say. Maybe you find their concerns ridiculous, but if it's on your spouse's mind and is bothering them enough that they want to bring it up to you, then it's a valid point and you should take a listen. After all, you'd hate if they laughed at you because you're annoyed at them for some reason.

Don't turn it into a screaming match. Yes, sometimes you can't help but to start raising your voice when the anger or defensiveness starts taking over, but yelling truly doesn't solve anything, and usually makes it worse. If you feel like you might start hollering, just calmly state that you'd like to continue this later so you don't take it out of hand. Your spouse is sure to appreciate the fact that you're trying to keep your temper under control.

Don't ever, EVER let it get physical. There is absolutely no excuse to hit or be hit during an argument, or at any other time for that matter. If things escalate to the point that physical violence ensues, call the authorities immediately. No one should be afraid of the occasional spat turning into something so dangerous.