How to Fight with Your Spouse: 5 Ground Rules to Save Your Marriage

Marriage is hard work. When two different people come together, there are bound to be problems. Arguing, even frequent arguing, is not necessarily a sign of a bad marriage - it's simply a sign of being human. It's how we conduct ourselves in those arguments that makes a marriage strong.

Rule #1: No Name-calling

In an argument, it can be tempting to scream, "You're an idiot!" when he says something stupid for the fifth time today. But don't give in. In the same token, avoid making harsh statements such as "I can't stand you" or "This is an awful marriage." While you may be feeling this way at the moment, chances are those feelings will dissipate when the argument is over. But your small outburst may damage your marriage for a long time to come.

Rule #2: Avoid absolutes

Marriage can be annoying at times. Yes, she frequently leaves her hair dryer plugged in, which drives you nuts. Yes, he rarely remembers to take the trash out without you reminding him. But this does not mean that "You always leave your hair dryer plugged in" or "You never take the trash out by yourself" are accurate statements. People rarely "always" or "never" do something in a marriage, or in life.

Instead of falling victim to the always or never trap, try this: "You leave your hair dryer plugged in a lot," or "You seem to need me to remind you to take the trash out most of the time." Better yet, stay away from the "you" accusations. If your spouse feels attacked, he or she is not going to feel comfortable in the marriage. Which brings us to our next rule...

Rule #3: Shift the focus back to your own feelings

Instead of talking about the things she's doing wrong, talk about your own feelings about the things she does. Point out how it makes you feel when she leaves the hair dryer plugged in on the counter. "When I see the hair dryer lying there on the counter, it looks really messy and makes me angry." Your spouse is more likely to be receptive to your needs if you aren't attacking him or her. A marriage is not about accusations, it's about feelings. Learn to approach problems from a different angle. Your marriage will be stronger for it.

Rule #4: Leave your baggage at the door

Maybe you had a rough day. Maybe you've had a rough year. You're feeling attacked from every angle, and now you come home to an argument with your spouse. She says something that gets under your skin, and you bite back. This is how an argument goes into a downward spiral, and it will bring your marriage down with it.

When your partner says something that hurts your feelings, take a moment to reflect. Did he really mean to hurt you, or did he possibly word it wrong? Was there really a snotty tone in her voice, or are you projecting your own frustrations onto her? Nine times out of ten, we get angry over a perceived slight that simply doesn't exist. And since you and your partner are already sticking to rules 1 through 3, you can rest assured that he or she probably didn't mean to offend you. Take a deep breath, and move on. If there's any question about your spouse's intent, talk about it before you lash out.

Rule #5: Don't keep score

Marriage is not about who wins and who loses. It's about reaching a common goal. Have an open mind and listen to your spouse. Give your spouse an open ear and an open mind, and really listen to what he has to say. You may find that he has a very good reason for feeling the way he does, and you may both be able to find a comfortable compromise. Or, you may find that you are simply happy to agree to disagree. Either way, your marriage is worth the time it takes to listen to your spouse.

It may seem silly to set "rules" for arguing, but it is often the key to saving the marriage. A marriage cannot work between two people if they are unable to conduct themselves in a civilized manner. Arguments bring out the worst in us, and in a marriage, the things we say during an argument can sometimes do irreparable harm to the relationship. Discuss these rules with your partner when you're not fighting, and commit to stick to them. Marriage is commitment, and part of that commitment includes trying to work together.

These rules may not come easily at first, and you may slip up from time to time. You and your spouse may also need to revisit these rules from time to time throughout your marriage, as you find yourselves forgetting and going back to your old ways. That's ok. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth the effort.