How to Find an Online Forum that Best Fits Your Personality

Becoming a parent is never easy. Becoming a parent in a new city, 300 miles away from all family while your husband works full time and goes to school full time is indescribably difficult. That is how I came to find solstice in a series of parenting forums online, designed for mothers who were in similar situations.

For quite a while I sat and read posts in the forums instead of registering and joining in a discussion where no one knew me. Even over the internet, fear of rejection abounds. Sometimes the moms would praise their children, reporting milestones and growth with a superhuman pride (Which is really only possible to mothers.) and other times they would be looking for advice, or a friendly ear to listen to their latest rant. Having no friends in our new town, this kind of girlfriend chatting was very attractive to me. I found two or three forums and introduced myself to a very receptive audience, or so it seemed.

Some of these mothers had been members of the forum for months, some for days. But they seemed so sisterly, hardly any disagreements were posted, and when someone had a conflicting opinion, they stated so with dignity and respect for others. I was in heaven! Finding people who were going through what I was going through and who could offer advice to me was like hitting the jackpot. I found myself logging in more and more throughout the day, and to my delight, I found I wasn't the only one who spent all their spare time online.

For a few months things went well. Then some of the women revealed their true nature by posting anonymous digs at a woman who had lost her child at only 2 months of age. People who didn't like the woman were all over it, people who loved the woman were all over them. The forum split down the middle, every woman taking sides like they were in 2^nd grade all over again.

I must admit, I was flattered when I was one of the first to be invited to both new forums. People liked me! I kept myself out of the drama that was beginning to rival that of the best soap operas on television. Forum madness had started. One by one, women were picked on and weeded out until one forum was filled with the women who I saw as easy-going and light-hearted, and the other was filled with cranky, bitchy women who wanted to feel like they were more important than everyone else. I know it seems a harsh judgment to make, but the proof was in the posts.

I gradually became aware of what was happening. Some women would spend more than 8 hours in a day logged in making posts about nonsense. Others were ostracized because the 9-5'ers didn't feel they had enough pride in the forums. Call me crazy, but I call that crazy. These women were stay at home moms who were staying at home to gab on computers. Slowly I started logging in less and less, and people of course noticed. That brought on the offensive comments like nothing else.

Women started yelling at each other online. The forums meant for fun and advice turned into a forum where debates popped up about everything from if ghosts exist to blood transfusions. And you would think that grown women who are gathering based on the common ground of being parents and loving their children would be able to hold it together and respect each other, but you would be wrong.

After a while everyone became complacent. No one would say what they wanted for fear of offending someone "higher up" than they. Almost anyone will tell you getting pregnant will not make a man stick around, especially one who has been cheating, but when one girl tried it anyhow, no one spoke up. I became trapped in the middle of a pen full of women gabbing and gossiping and yelling so much their intelligence disappeared and their words turned into indecipherable squawking.

In the end I realized that a group of clucking hens cannot be silenced except to go to a different part of the world so you can no longer hear them. This is what I did. I erased the web addresses from my browser, took them off my favorites and even got rid of the fake friends on my personal Myspace page. It may have been a bit drastic, but it was what it took for me to remove the negativity from my life.

Now, this isn't about denouncing all forums in all forms. I have since found several forums that make it quite fun to occasionally stop in and chat. If you can find a forum where women don't judge others at every word, backstab and alienate, go for it!

Now I know people are thinking, "Bitter much?" but the truth is I couldn't be happier for the women who it works for. For a while I was one of those women and it taught me enough that it was well worth the time spent there. I even made some lasting friendships, believe it or not. Having that support system in place helped me countless times. Having an online support system works for people with all kinds of problems, from parenting to relationship to weight loss. The trick is to find a place where you fit in and feel comfortable. If political discussions aren'tyour thing, stay away from forums where political discussions abound!

There are millions of forums with billions of threads and subjects. Finding one that works for you can take some time. If you follow these simple guidelines, finding one that will become your second home will be much easier.

o Find your subject: If you figure out what you are passionate about or find a topic you would like to know more about, half the battle is won. Delve into yourself and figure out if you are interested in crocheting or building model airplanes.

o Look for active forums: For every active forum you find there will be dozens of forums that have been abandoned or people log in so infrequently that new posts come along about as often as pigs try to fly.

o Keep up to date: In order to be a valuable member of a forum, some time will have to be invested. If you don't want to be a well known member, less time will be needed obviously, but don't be offended when other people can't remember your posts.

o Have fun: I know it is probably the most cliché advice to give, but it's important. Meeting people and discussing hobbies and advice should be done with a light heart. Some people find that forums are their place to talk down to others and to judge their choices. Unless this appeals to you, steer clear! Find a place where people share you interests and state of mind. Life is easier that way

The best way to find a forum is to use a search engine with your keyword and the word "forum" in the search bar. Or you can find a website that hosts forums and search through their archives. A good one is www.proboards.com. If you can't find a forum, perhaps think of creating one and inviting people who share your interests. It might take a little while to get your forum to take off, but with time and a little work, it can be very successful.

Happy searching!