How My First Bunny Changed My Life

It happened one day. Falling in love has a special magical feeling. That spiral tingling in the core of your heart increasing endorphins and suddenly you are aware that you are truly experiencing great joy. I went to the local animal shelter knowing I wanted a bunny. The animal care staff recommended a beautiful copper colored bunny, thinking she would be able to stand up to my preditorial cat. A shelter staff showed me her and two other spotted dwarf rabbits. For the most part I had decided on the copper colored bunny, even though she didn't want me to hold her. I figured she would connect with me when we were better acquainted. Still, I felt like I was rejecting the other two, so my decision wasn't firm.

We went back to the row of rabbit hutch kennels and suddenly a bunny I had not previously noticed made eye contact with me, her ears fully alert, her eyes wide open and questioning. She looked deep into my eyes, as if to tell me "I choose you." Without thought or hesitation, I asked the staff person "What about this gray bunny?" She asked if I wanted to see her and we brought her into the meeting room. When I picked her up, she willingly sat in my lap and let me stroke her. I held her towards my chest and she again looked deep into my eyes, her eyes soulful and longing for a place to call home. I said "this is a very special bunny." The shelter staff person facilitating felt us connecting and thought I should adopt her. I took her home. From that day forward my life was never again the same and my outlook would change completely. I took home the most precious extraordinary creatures ever. I named her Cardamom for her dusty gray color.

When you live with a house bunny, your entire home life shifts. The structure and the layout of your home changes. It isn't simple or easy- you have to cover your cords, baseboards, put dangerous belongings out of reach......It is like childproofing, only the child has sharp teeth that need to chew and sharp nails for digging. My prized material possessions, woodwork, walls, and your carpet became unimportant, because nothing inanimate could ever compare to this precious living creature.

I had two cats already who were both fascinated and intimidated by her. Cardamom was not the least bit intimidated by the cats, which made the cats intimidated by her! I later learned that bunnies are communal and prefer to live in groups. Since she didn't have bunnies of her own, she had to train the cats to fill that roll. She was very persistent. Eventually my cat Jaspier really took to her though he would never admits to it.

Having Cardamom opened my heart and revealed places in there that I had never been aware of. With everyday, I fell more in love with her and just when I was sure that I my heart was at full capacity, I would love her even more. The effect she had on me was magical and the closest I have ever felt to spirit.
As a single woman my life had been a circle, not fully closed. It wasn't like I felt incomplete- I knew I didn't need a relationship, but I was aware that I didn't have one. I had chosen not to have children while everyone around me was bearing children and my family was insisting I could still change my mind. Without the pressure of biological time, I wanted to attract a meaningful, healthy relationship into my life but did not know how or where to begin.
I loved Cardamom at first sight. She chose me, as her person. From Cardamom I learned that love did not have to hurt- loving her was joyful without the bitter after taste of pain. Having my sweet precious bunny Cardamom closed the circle and I was complete. My heart opened to myself to the point that it no longer mattered if there was a partner in my life. I had no worry about ending up in a bad or abusive relationship because I didn't need to have one. I have seen and still experience people all around me desperate to not end up alone and compromising themselves to that end. Even worse I see women give themselves, their safety, their serenity completely to avoid being alone. I am constantly in a state of gratitude that this is not my life and never will be.
When I brought Cardamom home I sent out adoption announcements to family and friends. I was in my mid-thirties, so adopting Cardamom was responding to my biological clock. Never again would my family mention that I could change my mind about having children. My mother refers to the whole crew, now three bunnies and two cats, as my family.

It was impossible for me to conceive of how Cardamom could have such a flawless disposition coming from a shelter, where she had lived for seven months. I called the shelter and asked what the circumstances of her surrender were- what kind of a person would give up such an angel. They found out and informed me that she was the last of a surrendered litter. This was very sad because she was abandoned by all of her siblings and left alone.
Adopting her inspired me to volunteer at the animal shelter. A shelter volunteer had to have given her love and affection for her to be so wonderful and I felt I had to pay it forward. Once I became a volunteer, I tried painstakingly to not get attached the bunnies I was doing TLC for. Fortunately most of the bunnies I got extremely attached to found nice homes. Then there was Panda, a bunny with hypertension.

Cardamom really wanted a bunny companion and began to ask me for one, in her way Panda was persistent and determined to go home with me. For months he would try to climb back into my arms. When I would put him back in the kennel at the end of my day of volunteering, his front paws gripped my chest in desperation as if to say "please don't leave me here" It was heartbreaking. It latter occurred to me that I brought Cardamom's smells to the shelter and Panda's smells home. When I brought him home, he had no transitional challenge or adjustments to make. He was right at home, wanted to meet the female bunny and explore his new home. From the moment Panda and Cardamom met it was true love. That relationship could be a story in itself.

A few months later I was volunteering at another shelter. This shelter gave very little visibility to the resident rabbits and no efforts into adoption outreach. I had been injured at the vet clinic I worked at so I was unable to work. This gave me time to get each rabbit out of the shelter and into rabbit rescue. Lily was the one bunny that we just couldn't find room for. A rescuer hosting a bunny acupressure workshop in the hopes that someone would fall in love with her invited her. Someone did fall in love with Lily and that person was I. I adopted her and she became Lilly-Moon. Lilly-Moon is could fill volumes and I do intend to write a book just for her.

Panda and Lilly-Moon took some time to accept each other. Cardamom and Lilly-Moon loved each other instantly.
Cardamom was a blessing to all species she touched. Her presence was nothing short of magical. My little bunny trio, Cardamom, Panda and Lilly-Moon was a source of great joy for me. They made up their own games- I often woke up in the morning to Lilly-Moon, then Cardamom then Panda hopping across my bed and over my face. I would give them an entire carrot to share and Lilly-Moon would take off running with it chased by Cardamom then Panda. Cardamom was very gentle yet she was the dominant bunny of the trio, even though Lilly-Moon was bigger and stronger.

Companionship for Cardamom in no way diminished my connection with her. I had read that bunny companionship for bunnies is essential and I only wish I had given this to her sooner. She was truly the leader of the pack and she still knew who her mother was. I will never forget her gentle approaches towards me and when she would look for me. One night I went out on my balcony. The door to the balcony was a French door and I noticed her peering out the window at me. Lilly-Moon adored her- I would often be petting one of the girls and the other would hop over to join in. Life with Cardamom, Panda and Lilly-Moon seemed a constant love fest. I have many photos of the three of them snuggling in a row, in a circle, crisscrossing, ect. Panda is a dwarf and when he was in the middle of a medium bunny and a big bunny, all you could see was his nose sticking out, no doubt so he could breath enveloped in his harem. It was very sweet the way the three of them would sleep right next to my pillow. One morning I woke up to all three bunnies and my two cats all in a row- Cardamom, then Panda, then Lilly-Moon, then Razz and Jaspier.

One night I returned home and Cardamom would not eat. I offered dandelion greens, her favorite vegetable and she did not want them. Emergency Vet clinics typically can't treat rabbits. I've always been advised that it is important to go straight to the vet once they haven't eaten for twenty-four hours. There had been prior incidences where I had taken her to the vet and others where I was advised of what to try prior to a vet trip- ie. fluids, tummy drops, acidophilus, and gentle massage. I did the whole emergency bunny home routine but still she became worse. I prayed that she would survive until the morning, when I would immediately take her to the vet, only three miles away. Around 2am she had what I latter found out was a stroke. This was one of the most horrific nights of my life. My greatest love was fading before my eyes. I felt helpless and like I had failed her.

Jaspier stood a loving vigil over her. Clearly he was aware of her dire sickness and worried. She died in my arms at 4am and the pain was every bit as strong as the love I have for her. Our entire household my two surviving bunnies Lilly-Moon and Panda, Jaspier and Razz were in a state of deep and binding grief. Every song on the radio of loss and heartbreak became a testament to my grief. I felt lost without her. Every love song was a testament to how much she meant to me. I thought of all the human heartbreak that had taken so much of my energy and grief- in light of loosing Cardamom, they could all kiss my a*s. I have had more then my share of pain and heartbreak, even my father dying, but nothing was as excruciating as this pain.

My surviving bunnies were heartbroken and confused. They looked around my tiny studio for her. They ran around hoping to be chased by her. Jaspier was devastated. I had a flour sack with her shedding from brushing her and her little plush duck sent home from the shelter on my bed. I came home a day or two latter and Jaspier had his two from arms around the sack, very deliberate, and his head rested on her plush duck. Clearly he missed her, possibly as much as the bunnies did.

I found out about a vet clinic that also operated an animal crematorium. My sister paid the fee and my neighbor drove me there as I couldn't drive myself. I had to endure a waiting room of people with their animals, alive. When the receptionist asked how she could help me I broke down, weaker and more helpless then a premature newborn without her mother. Out of the corner of my ear I could hear a woman say "we all have been there." In that moment it was impossible to believe there was a pain as great as what my heart was aching with.

Since I've lost Cardamom I have adopted other bunnies and have endured other bunny loses. I adopted my sweet and loving Snickerdoodle-Raisen-Pie, 8 months old, and lost him only eight months latter, while still grieving Cardamom. I lost my dear Lilly-Moon, an entire book herself, a couple of years after and her death is still raw to this day. I had thought that Lilly-Moon was indestructible, given her clear immortality. I had often feared and prepared to loose Panda due to his nervous conditions, but years latter he is alive and very well. I have learned of other rescue bunnies that have survived sure death sentences including a horrific cruelty case of Phoenix, who was actually set on fire. I recently adopted a blind bunny who escaped euthanasia because two House Rabbit Society people happened to be at the shelter when she received her death sentence. Her endurance and survival amaze me everyday- she is a true inspiration and testament to resilience.

If I have learned anything I have learned that death has no rhyme or reason. Death is the only force in life that is entirely nonnegotiable.
Death may be the most inevitable part of life without negotiation, but it is not stronger then love. My love for Cardamom and the many ways she has touched my life will live forever. I liken her to an angel, who lost herself in flight on her way to earth. She was sent to give me life and to show me that love does not have to hurt. I don't know why she was taken from me so soon, just as Snickerdoodle-Raisen-Pie and Lilly-Moon also died very young; I do know that the loss of these beautiful creatures hurts my heart. I often feel cheated that well cared for house rabbits are supposed to live for 10 years or more. I do know that I don't regret one moment and I feel blessed that these sacred beings were in my life and live forever in my heart. A special friend has tried to remind me many times that given that the bunnies that I lost had so little time on earth it is best that they were with me. By and by I am beginning to believe this myself.