How to Forgive

Forgiveness is not always an easy task; in fact, it can very much be a process that can take some time. When people wrong you or hurt your feelings, it's easy to harbor anger, guilt, and unforgiveness towards them. What many people who harbor these feelings don't realize is that unforgiveness hurts you, not the person you are mad at. We've all heard the saying "forgive and forget," but it's not always that simple. Most of us believe that the people who have hurt us deserve to pay for the pain they've caused. We would rather see them pay for what they did or take it upon ourselves to get revenge against them instead of extending our forgiveness. It may seem like we're letting them off too easily when we forgive, but by holding on to the pain coupled with anger and betrayal from being hurt, we're only bringing suffering upon ourselves in the long run.

Harboring negative feelings associated with unforgiveness such as anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge can influence your mental and physical health. Holding grudges can contribute to medical conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease, muscle tension and other ailments. It can also contribute to feelings of depression and substance abuse addictions such as alcohol and drug use. The question many people may be asking is "How do I learn to forgive?" Here's a step-by-step guide to show you how to go from anger and resentment to freedom and forgiveness.

Step One--Face the anger, hurt, and shame. Before you do anything else, you have to face what it is you're harboring unforgiveness about in the first place. It will help to write down what happened in as much detail as you can. It's ok to feel the emotional pain from what has happened to you. You should acknowledge the source of your pain as well as the ways it's affecting you. Don't dwell on the pain. It's one thing to acknowledge it but dwelling on it will only make things worse.

Step Two--Commit to forgiveness. In order to forgive someone, you have to first decide to forgive them and then commit to doing so. When you commit to forgiving you have to let go of the negative feelings you're experiencing as well as any desire you have to get revenge. Don't create an attachment to a certain outcome because you can't control how the other person will respond. When you forgive, know that you are doing it for yourself, not necessarily for anyone else.

Step Three--Practice Makes Perfect. Just like when working to accomplish anything else, you must practice forgiveness. In order to practice forgiveness, try to think of a different way to think about the person who did you wrong. Consider possible factors in their background or personality that could have contributed to their wrong behavior in the first place. Maybe they were abused as a child or maybe they are full of negative emotions and that's all they know how to give. While you're not excusing their wrong behavior, you are acknowledging that this person has feelings and emotions. Even if you don't feel sympathy towards them, you know that they have strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. You might also want to think about how you contributed to the situation. After all, there are two sides to every story and maybe some of your behaviors or something you said helped to trigger the situation. Think about other times in your life when you've been hurt in similar situations and try to think of how you got through them. This is also a time where writing down your feelings or thinking of other ways to deal with your emotions will be helpful to you. If it's possible, talk to the person who you're upset with. Don't criticize and judge, as this will only escalate the situation and make it worse. Instead, let them know how you're feeling. If this isn't an option for you, you can always write a letter to the person that you may or may not choose to mail.

Step Four--Self-healing. Once you're able to let go of the anger you've been harboring, you will feel a sense of relief. By looking within yourself, you'll be able to find a deeper meaning in the suffering you've experienced and will learn from it. In future situations, you'll be better able to deal with being hurt because you'll know what steps to take and which ones you shouldn't take in order to make things right. One thing you should understand is that forgiveness doesn't necessarily lead to reconciliation with the person who wronged or hurt you. That's why it's important to realize that true forgiveness comes from within and that it's more about you than the other person.

If the shoe is on the other foot and you've wronged or hurt someone and want their forgiveness, the only thing you can do is let the person know you're truly sorry. There's no need to self-inflict negative feelings of guilt and self-loathing on yourself. These feelingswill only internalize and cause you more pain. If the person who you hurt chooses not to forgive you, there's nothing you do but move on. Forgive yourself for hurting them and be satisfied with the fact that you took responsibility for your actions.