How to Forgive Anyone

Realize that the offense is over and what's done is done. Since we're unable to go back in time and change what's happened, our best option is to accept that this thing has happened and that little can change that fact. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. But you would do well to go ahead and accept that it is as it is. To not accept the facts and to want them to change or go away, ties us to the past, keeps us struggling to get a different result and keeps us from moving forward. We cannot forgive until we decide and accept that the past is already done.

Is it possible that there are alternate explanations for what has happened? This won't apply to everyone's situation, but often people didn't mean to offend us or hurt our feelings. Sometimes they don't even realize that they've done so. Sit down and think for a moment of at least 10 alternate reasons why a person did whatever they did to you. For instance, you weren't invited to a friend's party. Is it possible that the friend knew there would be wild behavior at the party that doesn't fit your personality? Is it possible that the party was just for your friend's co-workers or church members or other mothers who are interested in crafts or some other activity where you have no interest? Is it possible that your friend's spouse was inviting people that your friend knew you desperately wanted to avoid? The point is to think of as many alternate explanations as possible for whatever it is that offended you and you just may discover that the offense was possibly completely unintentional.

If the situation permits and you cannot think of a good alternate explanation, it never hurts to calmly ask a person why they did whatever they did. Be prepared, however, that their explanation isn't necessarily going to include an apology, nor is their explanation guaranteed to be one that you agree with. When you ask for a reason, be sure that you only want a reason to satisfy your own curiosity; don't look for any sort of closure or apology. If you get either, that's great, but don't set yourself up to be offended again by expecting this.

After accepting that the offense has already happened and you can't change it; After you've exhausted all possible explanations or haven't received one that makes sense to you, consider giving the person a pass just this once. Think about yourself. Have you ever hurt someone's feelings or offended them? Has anyone ever shown you mercy by remaining your friend despite your mistakes or faults? If you care anything for the person that has offended you, sometimes it helps to loosen your principles just this once simply because you care about the relationship. Yeah, they hurt you and, yeah, it's hard to forget sometimes, but if the good in your relationship far outweighs the bad, you may find that, in time, you can adjust to the fact that this person is an imperfect human, has made a mistake and you can let it go even when you don't have to, but simply because you want to.

Sometimes the best route to forgiveness is to let a person go or cut them out of your life completely. Such isn't meant to be vindictive, but it's often necessary. This last step is only recommended when a person has established a pattern of offending you, when your values just don't align and when the person is incapable of respecting you. A person like this may get along fine with everyone else, but can be toxic to you.

While forgiveness is important to your state of mind, it sometimes can't be done as long as the person is still in your life continuously pushing your buttons. In such cases, you may find yourself too guarded and defensive to actually be able to focus on forgiveness. Once the person is out of your life, you may find it easier to use the above keys and, with time and distance, you may be able to forgive them.

Chalk the offense up to a lesson. Sometimes we can't forgive, because the situation just doesn't make sense. We don't believe we deserved such treatment and, therefore, we're stuck reliving it in our minds. We have no closure. Take a moment now to create your own closure by deciding that the only sense this situation makes is that it was a lesson to you. Some people pay thousands of dollars for a degree or some other sort of training. Essentially, some lessons cost us. In this case, your cost may have been hurt feelings, loss of property or some other loss, but it's still a lesson. Let that be your closure, determine to avoid repeating it and forgive yourself as well as that person. Again, it doesn't mean you agree with the person's actions, only that you are unwilling to be victimized in your mind by it another day...you refuse to continue reliving it and you choose to forgive for your own empowerment.

In any case where you wish to forgive a person, it's often best to not wait for the person to apologize for their behavior. If you get an apology, that's great, but when you hold on to the desire to have one, you often find yourself growing bitter while waiting for that person to admit the error of their ways. Before you decide to forgive, make the conscious decision not to require an apology in order to do so. This may sound unfair and you may even feel like a sucker for doing so, but in the end it's the healthiest choice that frees you to live a better, pain-free future. Remember, when you don't forgive, it's because you're mind is trapped in the past...in the pain of the offense. When you decide to move past this, forgive and move on, you truly do free yourself for a better future!