How to Forgive Yourself for a Miscarriage and Get Over Your Loss
Whether it was last week or 50 years ago, it is a pain and a loss in the heart that may soften, but never really leaves you. It has taken me 28 years to find peace with my own miscarriage, and perhaps you too can find some comfort.
There are multiple and varied causes for miscarriage, and here we are just discussing miscarriage without known cause: The unexpected and unexplained loss of a pregnancy in an otherwise healthy mother having an uneventful pregnancy.
When my first daughter was 9 months old, I suspected that I was pregnant again. I was young, my husband and I worked split shift to care for our daughter, were tired and frustrated much of the time. We just were not ready for another baby, and could not figure out how we would manage physically or financially.
The cramping started one day at work, and then the bleeding began. I fished the tiny object from the toilet and put it in a baby food jar, and wept. It was soft, and dark, and I just stared and stared at the unremarkable piece of human tissue, not larger than a kidney bean. It did not look like a baby. It looked like the reflection of my broken heart. In my heart, that baby died because I didn't want it.
Once I pulled myself somewhat together, I was on autopilot. I dragged myself, and my jar, to my obstetrician. Matter-of-factly, I drew the baby food jar from my purse, with the tissue wrapped kidney-bean shaped object inside. The doctor confirmed that indeed the pregnancy was over. He also told me that the miscarriage was not my fault. I had not, and could not have, wished the baby dead.
I didn't believe this and was devastated by what I thought I had done by my ill wishes. Then he said a line that stuck with me all my life. "Healthy babies don't fall from the wombs of healthy mothers. There was something wrong with your baby, and God took her."
I told him I didn't care what was wrong; I would have cared for her well and given her a good life. He then told me that I should think a bit. I should not be selfish. I should think of the baby, and how perhaps God had chosen to spare her a life that was filled with suffering. I should love her enough to let go, and be glad that she did not suffer.
It took years for me to understand fully what he was saying. He was telling me that I could still love her, even though I could not have her. I could not watch her grow up, but I could be at peace for her to have been spared any suffering. As her mother, that was all that was left for me to do, once I had miscarried. He was saying I did not have to deny her existence, that I could still be her mother, even if I could never hold her.
His words let me think of her in heaven. When a friend miscarried, I thought of my daughter in heaven, taking care of my friend's lost baby. I thought that at least they would not be alone.
What took the longest for me to understand was that he was not saying that a handicapped child could not have a wonderful life. He was giving me the comfort to deal with the fact that no matter what I did, my child could not have life at all, and he was trying to be kind in giving me some comfort. For 27 years, I misinterpreted him to be devaluing a handicapped child's life. In my own pain, I was not hearing him. Only now do I understand the comfort he was trying to offer.
There are of course many, many reasons for miscarriage, but it is good to know that barring the most unusual of circumstances it is not something the mother, has done. It may be from a medical condition, but that is also not your fault. You may even have to accept that you will never know the reason for your loss.
To this day, 28 years later, when I see a handicapped child I say a silent prayer for the child and the parents. And I wish them a lifetime of happiness and the strength to face the challenges in their life. And I say that prayer to my lost daughter, that she might help them.
Published by D. A. Garrido
Doreen's Yoga Instructor Certification takes her in another direction on life's journey. She has recently launched her website YogaMovesNY.com to celebrate her new studio. Doreen hopes to add a series of Yog... View profile
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20 Comments
Post a CommentReading your post has made realize that what I'm feeling is normal. I am unable to move on from this. I had my miscarriage about 3 1/2 years ago and although it's not on my mind everyday, there are times when it's all I can think about. I have nightmares of the miscarriage often and can't help but blame myself. After reading this, I realize that maybe the lord took him from me for his sake. I need to try and forgive myself for being selfish, not hold on to the guilt. I can't help but feel that maybe there was something I could have done. I need to somehow allow myself to let go.
This helped me so much. I literally found out a few hours ago that my baby doesnt have a heartbeat. They let me see it on the screen and I cant get the image out of my head. I was 12 weeks along but the baby had stopped thriving and was the size of a 10 week fetus. Ive felt for the last 2 weeks that I wasnt pregnant anymore but was fine until 2 days ago when the light bleeding started. It was so hard to see the doctor struggle to find some life in there. I am so devastated and mad!!! Seeing what your doctor told you made me feel a whole lot better! Everything happens for a reason and apparently the baby wasnt healthy and frankly neither was I when I got pregnant. I had an infection all along resulting in me feeling like its my fault. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others to heal.
Hi im 16 years old and when i finally decided to tell my parents about my pregnancy it was too late i guess. when my mom took me for a check up they said they couldnt find my baby's heart and i as really sad then i went again and they told me the same thing. that was a tuesday. on saturday at 2 am i started bleedong i was rushed to the hospital was really weak and i felt like i was going to die. while i was there i kept hearing a new born cry. im in a lot of pain i dont know how to get over it. i cant. i feel like it's all my fault. im scare that when im older and i decide to have a baby the same thing is going to happen.
I just find out that I am most likely having a miscarriage and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I did something wrong. I know that there is a reason for everything but it don't make it any easier. i had my first son in Aug. of '08 and I had complications with him he was early and had to spend two weeks in the hospital. So I cant seem to shake the feeling that I did something wrong. I just hope that I can come to peace with the situation like you.
Hello your story i think really helped me find my turning point for me. just 1 month ago i hit my 9 month mark of my miscarriage. its been very tough for me. im only 19. and lost my baby at 6 or 7 weeks along. i%27ve wanted to be a mommy and a parent since i was 12.. thats all i%27ve ever wanted MORE than ANYTHING.. and i didn%27t even know i was pregnant until i miscarried. and all these months i%27ve look to my fiance for help and guidence. i was sad because he didn%27t show any emotion i just thought he was happy i misscarried so we wouldn%27t have to abort or our lives wouldn%27t be more difficult but i just found out that he was in pain and was sad it did happen he was just hiding it because he thought it would help me for him to show me he was strong and he thought he needed to be strong for me.. and all this time i thought the oppistite.. i thought i was the only one that wanted to keep the item i from the toilet.. it made me feel better too know you fished it out of the bowl..
I had a miscarriage..a week before I was diagnosed with Severe Crohn's disease. I was very very ill..and know that it wasn't meant to be back then my body was just not coping at that time...but for some reason I just can't let this go... I pretend to be over it talking openly about it with my family and close friends that know about our ordeal. The thing is, for as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mum with all my heart. Truly I thought I was ok now..until my best friend told me she was pregnant last night and please don't get me wrong they planned this and I'm delighted for them. But I found myself in cold sweats trying to sleep and its hurting all over again. I can't control my tears today I cant breath thinking about what could of been for my partner and I, this happened 3years ago.. at every thought of pregnancy I'd buy a test to see if its true..but it never is..I'm in a million pieces every time.. what if I'm not meant to be a mum..I can't bare the thought of not having
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. I can't say that I know how you feel because I have not been pregnant, let alone experienced a miscarriage. But I do know that it was very brave of you to share what you went through.
Sophie
Thanks for your story. I've had 2 early miscarriages and been trying for years. Just when we thought we had gotten over our curse, we lost my daughter at 5 months. I feel mad and frustrated and even though I've read lots of positive stories I don't think it's in the stars for me. I do feel somewhat relieved that I'm not alone and I do wish everyone the best of luck. Thanks for sharing and letting me vent a bit.
i'm 17 and had my miscarriage 4 months ago. i am still realy upset about it -even though i know im not old enough and it was an accident- i kept the fetuses which together would make up one fist. i dont know why it has been so hard for me. i think it is a lot because evryone around me breathed a sigh of relief and didnt think i needed any comfort other than a seccond chance at finishing my young life plans. they expected me to move on and be happy. i liked reading what you wrote. its nice to know im not the only one who took more than 2 weeks to heal
You were too hard on yourself for too long. I'm glad that you finally came to peace.