How to Freakin' Make Mango Salsa

Well, now, if you've read this freakin' article, then you know how to get at the mango.

But what the freak do you do with the freakin' thing once ya got the freakin' meat away from the skin and pit?

Since it was one of my freakin' doctoral professors who turned me on to the freakin' fruit - and that freakin' article - in the first place, I decided to ask her. Now, being a gentleman and all, I gently kissed her earlobes until she freakin' woke up. "Honey," I whispered, "before your freakin' husband comes home, what do I do with a freakin' mango?"

"You eat it," she said, turning to meet her lips with mine.

Reluctantly, I pulled back. "You already freakin' told me that," I said. "But what kind of dishes can I freakin' make with it?"

She didn't answer immediately. She just freakin' smiled that freakin' alluring smile of hers. It was then I realized I'd have to get the freakin' answer the same way I was acing her freakin' course. Not that I was freakin' complaining, mind you. She was freakin' beautiful and I needed a good grade. And a good freakin' mango recipe. Still, I felt compelled to ask, "Again? You're freakin' insatiable!"

"I'll tell you how to make mango salsa," she said, "but I need something a little something from you first."

"You're just using me for my freakin' body," I said. "I have a mind, too! Besides - your freakin' husband will be home soon!"

"If you had a mind, you wouldn't need to service me for a grade. And my husband won't be home for another half hour."

Well, she did have a freakin' point. Two, actually. So I made the freakin' oceans roar, the freakin' birds sing and the freakin' retirement home residents cry - all for her.

When we finished, I said, "We only have freakin' 25 minutes left. Now how do I freakin' make mango salsa?"

"You know how that article described the porcupine technique? Do that - but make the cubes small. You'll also want to dice one red onion and a small lime, mince a clove of garlic and a jalapeno, and, if you want, add some finely shaved carrot."

"What the freak do you do with the mango salsa?"

She smiled that freakin' smile again. She wasn't gonna freakin' give that up without me giving something in return - and with only 15 minutes before her freakin' husband was due back! I knew I'd have to beat my best time. So I tipped their wedding picture face down on the freakin' side table and did what I had to.

With just 12 freakin' minutes left, she said, "You can eat the mango salsa with chips or put it on eggs, but my favorite is on pork."

"I'll bet it is," I said.

Just then, I heard the freakin' doorknob turn. Yes, I freaked. And yes, she threw my freakin' clothes out the bedroom window and pushed me out the freakin' window to climb down the freakin' latticework.

But hey - I got a great freakin' mango salsa recipe. I liked it so much, I didn't even ask her about the 'B' she gave me in her class.