How to Get Free Pizza for Life

Disclaimer: This information is for entertainment purposes only. It's here to make you laugh. The fact that these methods actually work is purely coincidental. Getting things for free is evil and you should never do it... ever! So, for those of you who are thinking about using this information to get free pizzas, you should go away now. For those of you who can imagine a world where disclaimers are unnecessary, please read on.

Method 1: Just ask for it. Many pizza places are very giving and friendly. All you have to do is go inside and ask if they have anything you can have for free. When trying this I succeeded in getting free food (either pizza or bread rolls with red sauce) about 1 out of every 5 times I tried. This stat increased to about 2 out of every 5 times when I confessed that I was broke, hungry and ashamed, and even offered to work for the food. To further increase your chances, I recommend asking for the manager if the first person you ask seems at all unsure of what to say to you. Give the manager the same pitch. Most of the time, if there are any orders that weren't picked up (or orders that were messed up) lying around, they'll give them to you.

Method 2:Creating an abandoned order. To ensure that there will in fact be food to give away, you can call in to the targeted pizza shop and place an order for pick up. Wait about an hour and a half after the pickup time before walking in and asking for free food. This works about half the time (some places won't give you food for free because they're afraid you'll keep coming back). If they don't give you the pizza, they usually throw it away. Just take it out of the dumpster later (it'll be safe inside the box... just reheat it like normal or eat it cold). If you know the place won't give it to you, you can order it to be picked up right around closing time, then abandon the order. Odds are your pizza will be readily available at the top of the dumpster after closing. Most of the time it will still be warm.

If you do this often enough, the pizza place(s) will start to use caller ID to get your number so they can call you back and gripe. They will also refuse to make the order if it is placed from a payphone, or if your number is blocked. To overcome this little obstacle, read my article entitled "How to Spoof Your Caller ID."

Method 3:Social Engineering. This method has never failed me, even once. It's the method you will eventually graduate to when you get tired of using the "lesser scams." It is also more fun and James-Bondish. First, you need to go to the pizza place and get the name and order information of another customer (specifically one that is ordering a take out... this is especially easy at Papa Johns, not to mention any names). To do this, stand outside the pizza joint out of view of the employees. When a new customer walks in, walk in with them. Stand close enough to them that it looks like you are with that person (or couple, or group of people). When they place their order, catch the name they place the order under, and remember what they order. Go ahead and use a pen and napkin if your memory sucks. Walk out as soon as you get this info.

Now go home and wait about 15 min. Call the pizza place and ask to talk to the manager. Tell him about how poor your order was... the sausage was too hard, the crust like a rock, etc. Make a complaint, but don't be too mean to the guy. Then ask what can be done about it. He'll offer to replace your order (if not, kindly suggest it to him). When asked for your name and order info, give him the info you gathered on your James Bond mission. He'll place a new order for you (feel free to make changes to it at this time), and give you a time to come pick it up. The best thing is, the person working the front counter will remember you, and remember that you were with the people that placed the order under that name.

Lastly, enjoy your pizza, and repent on Sunday.