How to French Kiss Girls

Warning: Graphic. Possible LESBIAN ACTION. So don't read on if you don't like spit. OMG YOU GOT TO FIRST BASE. French kissing. The junior high version of sex. Or the jilted dater's version of a future. Either way, it's fun; and really, the French have given us really just a BUNCH of awesome things. I really don't know why they have such a bad rap with us. Between the Statue of Liberty and the french kiss, they can eat dinner with my family anytime. Anyway, here's how to appropriately slob down your female.

START SLOW. The main reason you can't do what you want is because you didn't start doing what SHE wanted, which was for you to show her a little respect. Unless you have an unadulterated **** on your hands, (which if you do you shouldn't have to be reading this), START SLOW. That means closed mouth. Gradually open as she does. Still, no tongue. Caress her lips with yours and just keep realizing that women always are looking for an excuse to stop things. So you wait for her signal. Wait as long as you need to. It's a test.

OPEN MOUTH. You can have an open mouth with no tongue. If you don't feel her tongue wanting to come inside your mouth, you don't put your tongue in hers. Wait for her signal. Be prepared to pounce, but WAIT. Your heads should start throbbing in a sexual motion; that is, back and forth, back and forth. It's a caveman game. Play it. It's fun. Guys don't realize that girls' games can be fun. Waiting is fun. Tension is fun. Anticipation is fun.

FIRST CONTACT. You might start feeling a little tongue here. Now you might balk at my notion of literary genius in a tongue, but it is possible. You can relate your entire personality through a kiss. So when you feel that first signal that she's ready to let you go to first base (golly gee) respond with a masculine, "Is it ok?" with your tongue. She'll answer "Yes," and then you can truly be yourself. Now being yourself means that if you're a slow lover, you start caressing her gums first and ease your way back into her throat. If you're a a biker dude, now's your cue to ravage her mouth with your tongue. Told you it was graphic. I told you. You can't say anything -- I gave fair warning. Whatever. Flag me if you feel like it, but I bet you print this out because you know it's the truth, you punk sumumabich.