How to Be a Friend to the Parent of a Special Needs Child

Every day in the United States and around the world, women give birth to beautiful, healthy babies. Every day, some of these women and families will learn that their children will have special needs. About 1 in every 800-1,000 live births is a child with Down Syndrome. 1 in every 3600 males is born with Fragile X Syndrome. 1 in every 15,000 births is a child with Prader-Willi. About 25,000 babies are born annually with some type of congenital heart defect, and 1 out of every 500 births is a child with some degree of cerebral palsy. All of that goes to say that there is a pretty high probability that you know, or will eventually meet someone who has or is giving birth to a special needs child. When a child is born that people know will be "special" friends and acquaintances wonder, "what do I say?" and "what can I do?" Unfortunately, there aren't any easy correct answers. There are, however, some things people say that are less than helpful. Here are a few things you shouldn't say when you find out that a newly born baby has special needs:

1. "It will be ok." While this may be true eventually, right now things are NOT ok, and there's no reason to pretend that they are.
2. "At least you have other kids." This frankly comes off as insulting. Kids are not interchangeable, and having older healthy ones doesn't "make up" for having one with special needs.
3. "I'm sorry." This is another one that comes off as insulting. Special needs or not, a baby is a baby, and births are joyous occasions. That means that Mom and Dad will love that baby as much as if he or she was born "normal". There isn't anything to be sorry about. There will be a time to grieve the "normal" child later.
4. "Read this book." Right now Mom and Dad are overwhelmed with just the idea of a baby, let alone one with special needs. Book recommendations, while they might seem useful, will likely just add to that helpless feeling. Unless you have personal experience in this area, and Mom or Dad asks you for a book recommendation, fight the urge. There will be time for research later.
5. "It must be something you did." The vast majority of disabilities just happen. To tell a parent that a child's disability is his or her fault is not only untrue, but it's like pouring salt on an open wound.
6. "My friend's mom's babysitter's aunt had a child with... so I know what you're going through." Every situation is different, and every family is different. Unless you are the parent of a child with special needs, you don't know what they are going through. So don't pretend.

By now, you might be wondering, "well what can I say or do?" Here are a few ideas:
1. Say "congratulations," and say it sincerely and with a smile.
2. If you would like to go and visit, call first and ask for a convenient time. Bringing a meal would be appreciated, but use disposable dishes so that there isn't anything to return.
3. Don't ask to hold the baby unless they offer first. If you do, wash your hands.
4. Ask "do you need anything?" If you're a close friend, ask if Mom or Dad would like to go for coffee with you, or if you could watch the kids so they can go out. Don't be offended if the answer is no.
5. If you have time to sit down and talk, then ask, "how are you doing?" When you say this, really listen to the answer. Don't feel compelled to offer any platitudes or make it all better, just listen. Offer a hug if you're comfortable with it, but offer suggestions only if asked.

If there's a pattern or general rule to be found here, its simply to follow the lead of the parent. Be real and be a friend. Ask what they need, and then follow through. If you truly don't know what to say, keep silent or just offer a hug and a listening ear.