How to Have Fun at the Grocery Store

Getting hit by a shopping cart full of various foodstuffs is never fun, but when your hips and toes get brutalized by these rectangular wheeled cages over and over you begin to forget why exactly you are in a grocery store. It becomes more of a sick game of dodge the carts powered by lethargic seniors and moms who have to constantly scrape their kid's hands off the shelves. Today was one of those days and I blame it on the fact that it is a weekend. Not only is it any weekend, but it is a holiday weekend where everyone runs to the store to gather whatever goods for whatever meal they plan on preparing.

I've never been a fan of going to any center of commerce (E.g. malls, grocery stores, etc.) on the weekends due to the vast amount of traffic and crowds that flock to these places like ants to dropped table scraps. It is much easier to go during the week and handle any business that needs to be taken care of, but I understand that many of the 9-5ers do not have such luxury. Most of these people are shot from a long week of work and shuffle about like lobotomy victims, which explains why I found myself getting struck by so many carts-and after each collision the person shuffled by with a fixed gaze and a little bit of drool on the corner of their mouth.

I'm sure people spend a good portion of their day in grocery stores and even malls on the weekend, always passing what they are looking for and never realizing it until they ask for assistance from one of the wandering clerks. The closest we've come to zombies is Shoprite at 11:30 in the morning on a Saturday. No one looks happy and no one exhibits any kind of life like qualities. Occasionally you'll catch a smile from another person who realizes they have made a terrible mistake by deciding to shop for food on a weekend, and similar to a zombie invasion that sign of other human life is always uplifting. But when the seawater boils down to just salt nothing will ever out weird my shopping experience of yesteryear.

During days off from school and work I would often take my late grandma to the A&P in Long Valley off of Naughwright road and more than often it would kill a few hours as she was a patient shopper. After I figured this out I would ask her for half of her list and would simply go off on my own to help get her list checked off as fast as possible. On one of these excursions I was coming back with a loaf of bread when I noticed this strange looking fellow wearing a rare Apocalypse Now t-shirt. Now I liked the shirt very much, but as I got closer I was contemplating whether or not I should compliment the gangly looking man who definitely appeared off-kilter in a physical sense yet it was near impossible to tell if he suffered from a mental affliction as well.

So I rolled the proverbial dice and looked the man in the eyes, "That's a nice shirt you got. Where'd you get it?" He stopped as if he were about to address the question, but instead he began screaming like a child in the midst of a temper tantrum. Unsure of what to do and with stares beginning to fix on my location I quickly turned down the nearest isle, immediately crashing into one of the carts with a Fisher Price car attached to it. On the inside of this plastic car were two small kids who also began to scream and with screams filling up that section of the store I smiled at the mom and scurried by speed walking without looking back.

Thinking that was the strangest part of my day I brought the last remaining item back to grandma and we promptly proceeded to the checkout. Leaning against a display of candy as I waited for the transaction to complete I noticed the bag girl blowing her bangs up into the air as she formed a bulldog-esque under bite in order to do so. Soon after I realized she was mentally handicapped and immediately paranoia began to set in. I quickly looked away as to make it seem that I wasn't staring because we all know how staring at handicap people is rude-or at least that's what we are told. Anyway the downs girl must have seen me looking at her adjust her bangs as she asked in her unique style of voice, "Do you like my hair? I just got it cut."

"Yea it's really nice," I said.

"Thank you," she replied.

I now began to let my eyes wander around the store, but the girl wanted to talk some more. "So what are you doing here?"

"Just helping my grandma get some food." She didn't respond and began blowing her bangs again. As the cart filled up I began to walk towards the door when she called out, "Can I have your number?" Not wanting to be a jerkoff even though what I did could be taken as just that I quickly scrolled through my phone and read off one of my college friend's number, which she eventually called. Now my friend thought it was a prank call so he ended up having a relatively lengthy conversation with her in order to play along. When I told him the story he began to laugh and mentioned to me that he agreed to a date with her-my apologies to that special girl who was stood up by a date that never really existed, and my apologies to the children whom I frightened; also my apologies to the creepy man and the mom who I surely creeped out with my out of place smile.

That odd day took place on a weekday, which leads me to believe that grocery stores are just weird places to begin with. It doesn't matter when you go because if you avoid the tunnel vision that most people seem to suffer from you will see some pretty interesting stuff and in my case you will be a part of it-unfortunately.