How to Gain Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a word that is tossed around in mainstream society very often today, but at the same time it is still a very misunderstood concept. People at work often hear about assertiveness training, and those affected by social anxiety might consider it as a possible option. This article will define what assertiveness is and how one can go about becoming more assertive.

First of all, what is assertiveness? Assertiveness is when a person clearly states his or her feelings about a particular situation, and what steps can be taken in order to resolve the situation, should there be a problem. Assertiveness is not when a person yells and screams at other people until he or she gets his or her way. This is the way people who are leaders are often portrayed on TV and in movies, and in some extreme cases, this type of assertiveness seems okay; however, in most situations, this type of behavior is considered abusive towards others as the main intention of people who use that type of behavior to get what they want is to do so at all costs, even if that means harming other people. In this article, this type of extreme assertiveness that is only needed for very intense situations, say during a military conflict, is not what is being discussed.

What is being discussed is using assertiveness in various social situations such as when a waiter makes a mistake in a person's order, or if someone begins to speak to others in an abusive manner. An assertive statement in the former case of the waiter would be to say, "Excuse me waiter, but the order you brought me is not quite right. I actually ordered..." And, in the case of a person who is being nasty and putting others down, an appropriate assertive response would be to say, "Excuse me, but you need to speak to me and my friends in a respectful manner. I have not spoken to you in a disrespectful manner so the least you can offer is to do the same in return." When a person is assertive, they are drawing clear lines about what is or is not okay about a situation or another person's behavior. They speak in a calm, confident, and relaxed tone. The reason for this is that it helps to de-escalate the angered person or persons, and when people are calm it is more likely that the situation will become resolved in a way that is amicable to both parties.

Imagine for example, that in the case of the waiter, instead of being polite about the mistake, the person in question decided to be nasty and say, "What the hell is this? I ordered... Take this crap back!" This arouses feelings of shame, guilt, fear, and anger in the waiter because the customer is really being very rude about a simple mistake. The customer may never know that because of his nasty actions, the waiter has decided to serve up a nice gooey gob of spit and phlegm in his next order. All this could have been avoided if the customer were simply polite about the situation.

The point of assertiveness is to stop the cycle of poor social interactions, however they may look. If someone is assertive right from the get go, it is more likely that much trouble will be saved. However, it should be noted that being assertive does not guarantee a smooth social interaction. Some people are so nasty that they will continue to be nasty no matter how polite, calm, and assertive the other party is. These people typically lead lonely, fearful, and generally miserable lives. Assertive people tend to lead healthier, happier, and more socially connected lives.

For those affected by social anxiety, assertiveness is a very important skill to learn. Those who are socially anxious are also very self-critical and often they think that they are not worth anything and should take whatever it is that other people hand to them. This could not be farther from the truth, as all people have worth - it's just that they believe that they have no worth and have chosen to live a lifestyle that matches that belief. Practicing assertiveness helps to build one's self-esteem, and therefore, it will also help to reduce one's anxiety as one begins to learn more and more that he or she can take charge of the situation and show others the lead.

Overall, assertiveness is a very powerful tool that everyone, including those affected by social anxiety, should employ, as it leads to all parties in a particular situation having an amicable resolution to whatever the difficulty may be, and it leads to a better world for everyone.