How to Give Your Child an Awesome Name - Catholic Saints Edition

Naming a child is rough business. On one hand, you want to give them something with honor and prestige behind it. Therefore, many people have historically named their children after popular Saints such as Peter, Patrick, Monica, or Steven. By the same token, people want to sound wholly hip and cool with the name they give their child, which led to a spate of Madisons and Dakotas in the 90s, not to mention post-Watergate hippies naming their children Chastity, Cherokee, or "Snoop Dog."

Thankfully for those of you out looking to reconcile this problem, here is a fantastic: honor an obscure Catholic Saint. Whether you've got one in the oven, are looking to put one there in the future, or just want a new name to call the obnoxious kid next door, this can be a world of fun, even if you're not Catholic!

Without further ado, here is a list of obscure Saint names that we should be blessing (pardon the pun) our children with more often:

BOY NAMES

Amand - St. Amand was a 6th-century European monk who did much of his preaching in wine-making regions, which makes him the patron saint of anything related to alcohol, innkeepers, and, curiously enough, the Boy Scouts. The bottom line? Name your child Amand and you will not only have progeny that the other lads will believe to be tough because of his ghetto-sounding name, but also he's pretty much guaranteed to be sophisticated with his shirt tucked in, but NOT tucked in like a gay or an atheist.

Drogo - 12th-century Flemish hermit and monk. St. Drogo watches over coffee-house owners and people with mental health issues. Why didn't they just go all the way and make him the patron saint of writers? Anyway, there is no better way to honor your child than giving him a Catholic name that sounds like it's straight out of Tolkein.

Genesius - Genesius was an actor who made fun of Christianity...until he heard a message from God while on stage. As a result of his subsequent conversion, he was martyred. He holds patronage over a wide variety of things such as actors, comedians, epileptics, stenographers, lawyers, and torture victims. Yes, those things all go together.

Medard - One of the coolest more obscure Saints is St. Medard. Legend says that as a child, this 6th-century Bishop has an eagle fly over his head to protect him from the rain. So by honoring him, not only will your child be blessed by a patron saint of dryness, fertility, dental health, peasants, and a plethora of other things, but he is the perfect metaphor for America; your child will be devoted (or under) the eagle, a great candidate for political office. Heck, if Medard is always portrayed under an eagle, why not political candidates? Oh, that's right, the bird would crap on them. Anyway, Medard is a cool name, just don't mess up the birth certificate and name the little guy after a hardware store.

Tarcisius - Tarcisius was killed by a mob to whom of prisoners he had taken communion. He is the patron Saint of altar boys and altar girls, although maybe he's just been busy the last century. Honor him for a change by naming your son after him, and maybe he'll throw the altar boys a bone, not in any literal or suggestive sense.

GIRL NAMES

Ciwa - The patron Saint of part of Cornwall in the southwest of England, Ciwa (also Kigwe and more other spellings than Mao Tse-Tung) was the sister of Saint Congar. Once, when she went to see him, she tamed a wild boar and made it behave like a dog. Why she isn't the patron saint of zookeepers, I don't know, but talk about a feminist icon! Before thinking of naming your kid after some writer like Gloria Steinem, ask yourself this...did any of those intellectuals ever wrestle a bear to prove their holiness in the eyes of God? I think not.

Fabiola - Not only would this name be "fabulous," but Fabiola, a wealthy 4th-century Roman, is the patron saint of divorce, adultery, unfaithfulness, widows, and bad marriages. Yes, even though she founded the first hospital in Europe, apparently all the medical patronages were taken and she is known for her rotten luck with men. Honoring her will help greatly when your spouse runs off or starts screwing your best friend. Plus, you'll have a daughter named Fabiola, and while you might think that's a one-way ticket to stripper country, it's still got a nice ring to it.

Justa/Ruffina - These two sisters, now both saints, were potters who smashed their merchandise when they learned it was being used for pagan rituals. When someone suggested another occupation a la the pharmacists of modern day, they threw more pots at them. This made the authorities mad and they were both thrown to the lions as martyrs. The morale of the story is this: since we quit honoring Justa and Ruffina by naming our daughters after them, women have had a horrible success rate when throwing kitchenware in fits of anger. Honor them, and maybe you'll have a daughter who can get a Division I softball scholarship.

Pelagia - St. Pelagia of Antioch jumped out of a window to kill herself rather than be possibly raped by opposing soldiers. For this, she became a Catholic Saint. Celebrate her heroic fall by giving your daughter a moniker that sounds like an anti-depression pill.

Scholastica - Nothing screams nerd like giving your child a name that sounds like an educational superhero, but St. Scholastica was very real, and very devoted to her studies. The twin sister of Saint Benedict, Scholastica also is the patron saint of storms and convulsive children. Did you ever think that maybe kids are so rotten and occasionally convulsive because people have forgotten Scholastica? Or is that why it rains so often?

Well, folks, there's ten name suggestions for you all with a little background information. Why name your child David or Julia when they can be so much more, and have such a kick-ass "I don't buy that" story to tell the kids on the playground? In the future, I plan on giving you more great name ideas for your munchkins, but until then, take care, and I'm headed to the courthouse to change my name to Amand Drogo Hagan.