How Do I Give My Teenager More Freedom?

It has been said that letting an adolescent gain independence is like holding a coiled spring. If you let it go suddenly, you will lose control. You may misplace it and never regain it again. If you hold it too tightly, it will lose its strength and never gain its full stature. You must let it go in a controlled manner so it gains its full height and stands on its own.

How do you know the proper time to 'let go' and the proper time to 'hold back?'

"Independence is not a door that your child simply walks through; it is a road that he or she travels, and it takes years to complete the journey." *

Hebrews 5:14 states that, "mature people ... have their perceptive powers trained to distinguish both right and wrong."

Parents have the responsibility to train their young people to become mature adults.

Your teen asks for greater responsibility. What do you do?

Teenagers want more freedom, you are afraid, and possibly rightly so.

You may try this: Give the teen some extra freedom, indicating that it is on a trial basis. For instance, let him or her stay out past the normal curfew once or twice. Inform the teen that, if he or she acts responsibly, then greater freedom will be granted. If he or she does not act in a responsible way, the freedom will be curtailed for a while, until you feel comfortable with it.

Notice the parallel in the Bible at Matthew 25:21, "His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave! You were faithful over a few things. I will appoint you over many things. Enter into the joy of your master."

You don't approve of your teen's actions or friends.

Don't belittle the teenager. He or she may turn to someone else to confide in. Don't ground him or her excessively, such as locking him or her in the house. The teenager will likely sneak out.

Instead, talk with the teenager about the consequences of his or her actions. For instance, "What will be the outcome of this course? Will you become addicted to drugs? What if your friend is arrested? What will happen to you? What would you do if you went to jail? What will your job opportunities be in the future? Will having a record keep you from getting hired?"

Let the youth see how his or her actions will turn out and that you are truly concerned about his or her welfare.

Proverbs 20:11 says, "Even by his practices a boy [or girl] makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright."

Try role playing.

Become the teenager and let your teen counsel you about your actions. Challenge the counsel as your teen would challenge you.

Have the teenager come up with sound reasons for counsel, doing research.

And one very difficult word of advice.

Don't rescue your child from the consequences of his or her actions.

"Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap" says Galatians 6:7.

He is failing a course in school because he won't study. She has overextended her credit card limit.

You can guide your children, but if your bail them out, they will never be able to see the long lasting consequences of their behavior.

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"Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it." -- Proverbs 22:6

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Sources:

* The Watchtower Magazine, "Preparing Teens for Adulthood," May 1, 2009 pages 10-12

The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures