How to Be a Good Caregiver

So you've found yourself in the position of caregiver. That means both congratulations and condolences are in order. Congratulations for being responsible in life. Condolences for how much time it may require to do the job right. But there is good news. Here are helpful hints you may need to know as you move forward in your role of caregiver.

One of the challenging aspects of being a caregiver is figuring out how to establish limits on how much time you spend helping someone else. If the person for whom you are caregiving happens to be a family member (as is often the case) you must additionally calculate what sort of relational issues exist that complicate the process of determining how much time you are obligated to give.

In fact it may be important to address the relational issues from the outset, because family relationships are often the most difficult factor to manage in setting standards of service and care. If you are caring for a parent, for example, you may find yourself in a position where the roles you traditionally play are reversed. In other words, as caregiver you may be officially or unofficially in a position of authority over your parent or parents. This reversal of power can create awkward situations when it comes time to make decisions. Parents who need help but do not want to relinquish their decision-making authority may feel it is fine to boss you around, make demands on your time and generally disrespect you as a person, much less a son or daughter.

Therefore it is important for any son or daughter in a position of caregiving to a parent to have a frank discussion about expectations in the caregiving relationship. Depending on the degree of care needed, you may also need to discuss how to handle financial matters. Are you a designated custodian of their accounts, for example? Do you have reasonable authority and ability to move funds where needed, write checks and take care of business as necessary to be a good representative for their interests? And, for doing all that work, should there be compensation to you as manager of their affairs?

Many families depend on the son or daughter who lives closest to the parent to provide the most care. In some situations this is a natural extension of the family relationship. The child who lives closest to the parent may already have the most functional relationship. Of course that is not always the case. But when children live far away and have disagreements about how to take care of mom and dad or anyone in the family, arguments can arise about best options and treatments, especially if there are profound money or health issues.

That means the one of the principal discussions about caregiving priorities must be conducted with any parties related to those receiving the caregiving. This is no time to mince words. In order for you to be an effective caregiver, every possible issue related to the care, whether it be money, health management, transportation, compensation (short and long term) and any effects these services may have upon a will or living trust must be brought out in the open.

Having been caregiver to both my father (who is a stroke victim) and mother (who died from a combination of cancer and stroke several years ago) the last 7 years, I know from experience that family support is crucial to successful, positive caregiving. Familial jealousy or disagreement is an unneeded layer of stress to an already stressful obligation of caregiving for someone else. You must also always keep your spouse and family informed about your emotional and time commitment to caregiving. They can be your best allies in keeping you balanced and letting you know when caregiving seems to be weighing you down more than normal.

Understand that caregiving is first and foremost an emotional commitment. It will cost you time, energy and sometimes create stress. There is no way around those facts. So here's a suggestion. To be a good caregiver it is best if you are motivated by love and compassion to care for someone else. There may also be a sense of obligation on the things you need to do to help, but understanding the distinction between doing things out of love and out of a sense of obligation or need can help you establish personal guidelines and limits on your overall commitment to caregiving. It is easier to say "no" out of love when you simply must than out of anger, which almost always causes hurt.

Let's assume you love your parents and you know they need your help as a caregiver. But frankly, they still really annoy you. Old relationship wounds have not entirely healed over and fresh new ones seem to crop up every time you visit. Your folks seem to ignore your needs in favor of theirs and call you constantly asking for this or that favor during the week. In fact it seems like that's all they do, call you and demand help. That situation can quickly wear you out as a caregiver.

Sit down with your caregiving subject(s) and have a talk. Tell them you love them, or at least tell them that you want to help. Then explain that you need to set guidelines for how you will communicate and invest time with them. Set up a specific day (or days) when you agree to stop by or call to discuss their needs. Tell them they may call at other times if there is a true emergency, but otherwise they must reserve their requests and concerns for the scheduled appointment time(s) when you promise to be prepared to address any issues they face. Often people in compromised health have nothing to do but sit around and ruminate on what bugs them. Then they unleash on your arrival. This is not the dynamic you want to sustain. Instead ask them to make a list for you of all the things they need done so you can address each item constructively. Having that list can keep your sanity and help you determine whether you as a caregiver need help to complete it. If you're caregiving patient cannot talk, as is the case with some stroke victims, work out a way to communicate that is constructive. Draw pictures. Make a chart of common needs. Make that chart available to anyone else in contact with your patient. Most people don't care who checks an item off the list as long as their needs are met.

You should also mutually agree to visit strictly for social reasons on occasion. Protect that time and insist that social visits be reserved exclusively for friendly discussion. No complaining or requests allowed. Tell them this is your "friendship" time together.

In situations where live-in caregivers are involved, you should get to know that person's needs and schedule quite well. Finding a good live-in caregiver is a subject worthy of its own article, but once you have a caregiver on site, it is important to respect their turf and let them know your expectations, how you are able to help and what care you are willing to provide. Always try to keep an objective balance between the demands of the hired caregiver and the caregiving subject. Conflicts should be resolved giving all opinions consideration. Do not automatically side with either party, but gather information and if need be, consult with other interested family members before determining if your caregiving subject has a legitimate complaint or is just taking their frustrations out on the person closest to them, in this case your hired caregiver.

If you are direct caregiver for a spouse or child, these entanglements of emotion and obligation can seem even more complicated. Sometimes the pressure on a spouse when a loved one is sick or in need is so intense there seem to be no ready answers on how to provide care. That means you need to seek outside counseling or advice from a friend. If your caregiving situation is life and death, there are legal issues to address. If you are helping someone back from a health issue, the pressure to "be there" for them every step of the way can wear you out. You need to provide time for yourself and your own physical and mental health. This is certainly true in any caregiving situation. The most practical refrain is "you can't be good to someone else if you can't be good to yourself." It is more than fine, perhaps even necessary, to indulge yourself in personal time when it becomes available. This is true even when you're a caregiver on the level of a camp counselor, teacher or other public figure. Everyone needs time out from the task of helping and managing others.

Finally, you must learn to manage your guilt over whether you are doing a good job or not. Perfection in caregiving is a standard that is perhaps impossible to achieve. There will always be tasks left undone, money mistakes and arguments to drag you down and make you feel unworthy of the title "caregiver." But you must remember the second half of the word. You are giving. That is truly a blessing, and many times just when you think the rewards are all washed out of the call to be a caregiver, something happens to make you realize you are doing a good job and are appreciated even by the grumpy subject of your care. Look for those moments. Reward yourself mentally by telling yourself you're doing the best you can. And if you're not doing your best, do some soul-searching and get back to the reason why you're in the situation. Life is not always fair. Sometimes circumstance calls us to responsibilities we would rather avoid. In those cases it is important to find motivation in your sense of self. "I can do this" is an important refrain when things get tough. Then take stock and consider that it might be you someday that needs a caregiver. You'll want that person to care enough to help you, will you not?