How to Have a Good Conversation

To have respectful dialogue means to hear other people's opinions and not respond with aggression or sourness. It requires a certain amount of detachment from, and a wary watch on, our emotions. It requires us to pay close attention to two key factors: ourselves and others. When maintained, respectful dialogue opens the door to discussions that have much potential for achievement, whether that be through improved relations, problem solving, or intellectual improvement. It is a method of conversation well worth pursuing.

Dealing With Yourself

Respectful dialogue requires respect for the thoughts and ideas of others. However, a troubling question can arise: does respect require silence? After all, there are times when you just want to lay it all out. Spread your ideas. Say, "this is what I believe to be true."

But here's the rub; spreading your ideas beyond vague generalities means diminishing other ideas. And once it's put through the social ringer, your statement can go from being "pro-this" to "anti-that." Politics and religion are notorious for this; one wrong move and you're suddenly an "anti" zealot.

So what to do? Do you just shut your trap and hide under a rock? Not at all. But that doesn't mean you say "what the heck," and turn into a spitfire preacher either. You've got to find the middle ground; a place where your beliefs can be loosed in full force, while maintaining respect for others and dignity for yourself. Not sure what to avoid? Here are four excellent ways to lose a person's respect in a hurry.

1. Disregarding, diminishing

2. Stereotyping, generalizing

3. insinuating, demeaning

4. Name calling

All discussions are based on people's thoughts; therefore, any of these four negatives creates a risk for the conversation to sour. This does not mean that you cannot refute or attack somebody's argument. It simply means that you must be careful in choosing your method of doing so.

Here is a basic principle that can help guide your comments: identify and stick to your main point. For example, if your main point is to convince someone that your argument should be believed, it is hardly wise to use any of the four negatives. One word of caution: when a conversation becomes heated, it is very easy for your main point to shift. Make sure that your main point has not become something like "you're an idiot!" Seriously, the negatives that can harm a discussion are lethal when they become the main point. Avoid them at all costs!

Dealing With Others

This is only part of the equation for respectful dialogue. After all, you're not just talking to yourself. How do you handle your conversational partner? There are several steps you can take when faced with the 4 negatives.

1. Wait it out. People make mistakes, slips of the tongue. It could just be a passing comment. If so, let it go.

2. If he persists, point it out. However, there is an art to this; don't just slap him with a "you always X" accusation! That's looking for a fight, and will put him on the defensive. Instead, use an "I" statement. This means stating how you feel and why. For example, "I feel that my beliefs are disregarded when you X." Yes, this has the word "you" in it, but compare it to the first statement. The focus of the "I" statement is on how you feel, which, after all, is where the problem is (he obviously doesn't have a problem with his comments).

3. You gave a honest I statement, but he brushed it off like it was nothing. Now what do you do? You could change the topic. Most people have their specific topics that they get hot under the collar about; avoid the topic and you avoid the heat. Still, some folks have this attitude with everything. In that case, end this conversation and find someone who will talk with you, rather than at you. Of course, this may be a conversation with someone you cannot just ditch. In that case, you may have to tough it out for now, and seek long term solutions for the future. Discussing the problem at a later date or seeking additional help are two such solutions. In a public setting (like at work,) going to a superior is an option. As a last resort, you can cut off all contact.

Respectful dialogue is not an easy state to maintain. Vigilance must always be present, lest you fall back into the blind grip of your emotions (which is extremely easy to do.) An easy place to begin practicing is when writing; censoring your writing is much easier than censoring your speaking. Whether writing or speaking, respectful dialogue requires much practice; in fact, you must practice it your whole life. However, if you do so, the benefits-improved relations, enhanced problem solving, and intellectual development-are yours for the taking.

Sources

Dr. Thomas Gordon, "How to Get Your Own Needs Satisfied." Leader Effectiveness Training, Chapter VI, p.96-102