How To Be a Good In-Law

Most of us have in-laws, which also means we are in-laws. Whether you feel like someone is not being a good in-law to you, or you yourself have been accused of not being a good in-law, here are some important points to consider when choosing your behavior in these relationships.

The mother of all in-laws
It seems the most common in-law complaint is that of the annoying and interfering mother-in-law. If you find yourself enjoying the relationship with your mother-in-law, consider yourself fortunate. The problems with most mothers-in-law stem from unhealthy dynamics in the relationship with their child. Sometimes it's a "Mama's boy" who she can't let go of, and no woman will ever be good enough for her baby. It can also be a daughter on whom the mother is emotionally dependent, and a man in her life is a threat to the close bond they share.

These unhealthy dynamics are baggage that the adult child lugs into his or her marriage, and will surely inflict upon it strain and contention. The mother unwilling to respect the adulthood and independence of her adult child runs the risk of either sabotaging his or her marriage, or worse, being cut out of the picture completely. This includes relationships with grandchildren. Most happily married people will not waste time dealing with what they view as a threat to their marriage. And Mom, you don't want that to be you. If your son or daughter is not in physical danger from their spouse, then before you act or speak, ask yourself these questions: How much do I value my relationship with my son/daughter, and how much do I value the relationships with my grandchildren? You risk losing both when you behave badly with the spouse your child has chosen.

A wise mother-in-law knows that if she wants to preserve her place in the lives of her children and grandchildren, she will often need to keep opinions to herself and respect the boundaries of these relationships. A good mother-in-law is one who strives to make the son or daughter-in-law feel like a part of her family. She doesn't insert herself into the workings of their home and family life. And if she doesn't have something kind to say, she just talks about something else. She will focus on the joys of her extended family and grandchildren, and not make little things be big things.

I take thee to be my lawfully wedded family
Know that when you are entering into a marriage with the person of your dreams, you are also making a forever commitment to be a part of his or her family. It is never acceptable to request or expect that your mate be willing to forgo a relationship with members of his family in order to have one with you. If having certain members of this family in your life is a deal-breaker for you, and your partner does not want to sever the ties, then don't enter into the union and don't make the commitment. You would be setting your marriage up for endless conflict and eventual failure by doing so. Marriage is challenging enough without added hardships working against it.

Fully consider the people that are going to be a part of your life along with your spouse. Ideally you have developed good relationships with these people and they will welcome you into their family. You should be excited at the prospect of being a part of it.

Gossip: The Great Destructor
Much of the conflict surrounding in-law relationships stems from gossip. We've all seen it, or been a part of it, countless times: Person A doesn't like something that Person B did, so they tell Person C about it. Next thing you know A, C, D, E and F have caused B to feel judged and betrayed. It turns into the alphabet of Hell that could have, and should have, been avoided.

Most of the time simply going directly to the family member who committed the offense is the best thing to do. The rest of the time, doing nothing is the best thing to do. If it's not important enough to bring to their attention, then bring it to no one's attention. Too many families are destroyed with this weapon, and too many people underestimate the power of its destruction. Acknowledge it for what it really is: bad behavior.

It seems so simple to just treat people as you would want to be treated, but so many of us don't do this. Sometimes just being good in-laws will result in having good in-laws. It is certainly worth it to try.