How to Be a Good Parent to an Athlete

Despite the best of intentions, many parents of younger athletes, from high school age and down, fail to recognize the detrimental effects they have on their children when it comes to handling participation in sports. Some exist as so under-involved that they tell their children that what they do lacks legitimacy and importance. Others, who represent the antithesis to the uninvolved, get so engrossed in the child's athletic life that they take over and morph into people who unfortunately shed their parental skin and become something obsessive and scary. Either way, and many places in between, many parents do not stop to consider how their behaviors, both explicit and implicit, influence the experiences their children have.

Today's sports world seems dominated by not the young athletes, but rather the aggressive parents who seemingly expect perfection. While some excellent parents exist, those who allow the coach to coach and the athlete to play, and, when the game or practice is all over, go back to being mom or dad, others look at their children's athletic endeavors as if they were their own. Motivated by living vicariously through their children, hoping that their child will attain a college scholarship, obsessed with absolute achievement, or hell-bent on winning, these parents unknowingly hurt their children in countless ways. These injuries, while not physical, not only cheapen the athletic experience for the child, but also they seriously hinder the parent-child relationship, which may very well be the most devastating fact of all.

Understanding that most parents want nothing but the best for their child, and that what drives them to become so obsessive and critical is that fact, you can infer that if the parent can see the error of his or her ways, then productive change can occur. The alteration in behavior, however, cannot come without strategies for improvement, for just recognizing something and saying you will change is never enough. What follows is a series of suggestions, framed both positively and negatively, that can earnestly assist any parent in trying to bridge the divide that the intensity surrounding sports has created. If parents do not think they have an issue with any of this, check the list and reflect on what you actually do. Remember, your son or daughter will rarely every come out say that you are making these mistakes, so the responsibility to discover and fix it rests with you.

Leave Your Stopwatch At Home

The athlete already has a coach, so do not try to become another one. That coach will push the athlete, teach the athlete, encourage the athlete, discipline the athlete, and, most importantly, create a serious bond with the athlete. This relationship is one that is based on principles and expectations that do not relate to those wrapped within parenting. While similar, because they do not happen in the same environment with the identical emotions, they are, at their core, entirely different. Trying to be your son's or daughter's coach on the ride home, going over splits from the track or swings from batting practice, will confuse the athlete, thus challenging the loyalties established. Do not offer your insight or criticism on their performance, for they probably already know they did not do too well. They feel badly that they have disappointed themselves, their coach, and you. What they need in this moment is a parent, not another armchair coach who wants to rehash what they perceive to be their failures. If, one the other hand, they have a great day, do not belabor the point or say what else they could have done better; instead, tell them that they did a great job without analyzing each success, and remind them how proud you are of all the effort they invest. Then go home and have dinner.

No Post-Game Analysis

When an athlete knows that his or her parent will break each moment of the game or practice down, the car ride home becomes a nightmare. This athlete would just assume get a ride with another family than have to sit through it. Hearing a parent's take on what happened creates conflict within the athlete, as often times the parental account does not match with what the athlete wanted or the coach needed. A new critical perspective will shut the athlete down and serve only as a source of future frustrations and strained relationships. If the athlete asks for your opinion, give a simple, non-critical take and move on. Do not over-engage in the discussion. If the athlete wants to push the topic to places you feel are not progressive, like analyzing the coach or criticizing teammates, it is your job as parent to shut this down. Although speaking badly about others seems to happen rather easily in our culture, that does not make it right. Be a parent in this situation, not a fan. Encourage the athlete to put today behind and prepare for the next chance; this is good life advice anyway.

Do Not Attend Practices

Inevitably, sidelines and bleachers grow full as the practice session progresses, a situation that many parents enjoy but most athletes abhor. Parents like to socialize with other adults, watch with a discerning eye what the coach is doing, and see how their son or daughter is performing. The problem that arises, however, is that practice is a place that encourages mistakes. Coaches want players to experience difficulty in practice because it exposes their flaws, weaknesses, and misunderstandings; therefore, the coach can assess them, make needed changes, and teach the players how to succeed. An athlete is less likely to feel comfortable making a mistake with his parent standing there watching. His entire life has been about seeking a parent's approval, so how can he fail and not feel badly? If he drops a fly ball or throws a bad pass, his first glance is into the stands to see if his parent saw it. There is not a more unhealthy situation, both physically and psychologically, for a growing athlete to seek perfection in a place that requests mistakes. Read a book in the car or talk on your cell. Do not sit on the side and watch practice.

Never Disparage the Coach in Front of the Player

Although many parents feel they know the game better than the coach, offering this information to the athlete can only serve as counterproductive. While the parent may like criticizing the coach, telling the athlete that he or she does not know the game, does not know what to do, or does not care, what the parent really does here is create a massive divide, one that normally goes unseen but not unfelt. Forced to choose between the one who loves him and the one who coaches him, the athlete often becomes conflicted and confused. As a result, he cannot perform to the best of his abilities on the field, nor does he wish to engage in additional conversation about the coach with the parent. Pressured by his parent's feelings, he fails to adequately receive the coaching and inspiration the coach extends, which sends his performance and enjoyment in the sport spiraling out of control. Likewise, not wanting to disturb his allegiance to the team and coach, the athlete struggles with his parent's commentary, for if he argues, he risks defying or hurting his family. Thus, by disparaging the coach in front of the player, the parent inadvertently harms the child. More damage will be done to the parent/child relationship in this matter than will be done to the player/coach relationship.

Never Disparage Teammates in Front of the Athlete

Knowing that one of the primary goals of any athletic venture is the socialization of young people, players often come to value their teammates closely. Thus, besmirching a player's teammates will drive a wedge between parent and child. As athletes get older, they become engrained in their own relationships, and grow less and less dependent upon their parents. The peer group becomes powerful, and criticizing it needlessly is, in the mind of a young athlete, a sin. Also, and possibly more dangerous, if the player listens to the parent's negative remarks and takes them to heart, an unhealthy and unproductive attitude will emerge for him at practice. He becomes a trouble spot in regards to team chemistry, and this approach will force any good coach to make some needlessly tough decisions. So, offering criticism of teammates cannot, in any conceivable way, promote a healthy environment for an athlete; instead, it teaches him poor values when he believes the negativity or it disturbs the relationship with his parent by making him choose between family and peers.

Never Speak for the Athlete

All athletes must learn to communicate effectively for themselves. A failure to do so only makes them weaker people as they cross the threshold from adolescence into adulthood. Parents who race in to see the coach at the first sign of trouble without ever encouraging the athlete to speak with the coach himself cripple their child. Getting a player to intelligently articulate his concerns, whether they revolve around playing time or something else, encourages maturation and provides the athlete with a strong sense of pride and ownership. However, athletes not pushed to handle their own business and instead allowed to hide in a parent's shadow, are taught that they do not need to have a purpose or maintain a true sense of self-confidence. They see the world as a place of excuses where someone will always do something for you; nothing could be farther from the truth. The only time a parent should consult a coach about an athletic issue is when the player has exhausted repeated attempts to do so himself.

Emphasize Ethics and Sportsmanship

Although winning and individual success seem to take priority, what must truly be the goals of any worthy athletic situation is the promotion of sportsmanship and ethics. At the close of any athletic season, a player must walk away with a strong foundation of ethical standards and an appreciation for sportsmanship. If not, no matter how good the player is athletically, they will forever be incomplete, as there will come a day when he can no longer play the game, and what will he do then? No player, coach, or fan likes to see an athlete, especially those with talent, act immaturely, forgetting about sportsmanship and choosing instead to employ showmanship. No person wants to deal with someone with questionable ethics who cannot be trusted at his word. Parents who emphasize winning or individual success teach their child a set of values that are destined to fail in life. While it may seem powerful or productive at the time, in the long run that athlete, as he moves forward into the adult world, will struggle.

Make it a Priority by Showing Up

Athletes, no matter the age, always sneak a peek over their shoulders to see if mom and dad are in the stands. No matter how much support a coach and teammates try to give, it is the parents who hold the ultimate approval. Life cannot be about a job or anything else. Being a parent is life's most critical job, so missing every game in a season for your work is simply failure. Go to work early, return to work after, but get to that game. Even if he is not playing, be there. If he feels like the coach has quit on him, he needs to see his parents so he does not feel they have quit on him too. If he hits a big basket or makes a diving catch, seeing his parent standing and cheering will be his memory, not necessarily the play itself. So much about sports is meant to bring families together. Do not miss the opportunities now because they do not come too often.

Support the Team

Even if a parent's child is not playing much or has encountered trouble during the year, a parent's job is to support the team unconditionally. The overall experience an athlete has represents the attitude he will take with him, and it will provide most of his memories as life progresses. Even if a parent sternly dislikes what has happened to the athlete, making the experience one of value must come first. Wallowing in negativity only worsens life. Instead, find ways to make the time a good one.

In the end, positive, involved parents make the experience an athlete has one to remember, while negative parents do almost unrecoverable damage. Think about the choices you make and the words you select because kids hear and interpret everything. Just like you, kids keep secrets, especially with their emotions when it comes to their parents. Be kind, open, and positive, and you will help create a person who will do the same for his kids in the future.