How to Be a Good Step Parent Without Getting Stepped On

Being a parent is not always the easiest job in the world. There are always going to be problems, such as discipline issues concerning rules and expectations, or family or school problems. So when there is a problem, it is part of your duty as the parent to deal with the problem.

But what happens when the child is your step-child instead of your biological child? Is it still part of your duty as a step-parent to deal with discipline issues and problems?

That, it seems, often leads to problems in new marriages. Who disciplines the children? While you may have married their mother or father, does that give you the right to make decisions or hand out discipline concerning the child?

This is often a very touchy issue. New marriages are often fragile anyway in the beginning as people learn to live with each other. No matter how much in love you are, there are always adjustments. Those adjustments are increased greatly when stepchildren are involved.

When the relationship with the child's parent is just beginning, the suitor often doesn't feel he or she has the right to interfer with any discipline problems. So they will remain silent. But what happens after the relationship turns into a marriage?

Marriage does put a different light on the issue. Once you marry the parent, you are involved. The degree of your involvement will be up to you and the other parent. Keep in mind that there is probably also an absent parent. An absent parent who will most likely have his own input on whether or not you should have any involvement.

The ideal situation in this parenting triangle would be for you to have the absent parent's blessing and agreement on you and your new spouse handling minor problems and discipline, especially those involving home life. And all three of you handling serious problems together.

Unfortunately, the absent parent often feels any discipline his child receives should come from the biological parents only. This is true, up to a point. Any serious forms of discipline should always include both biological parents, if possible, as well as the step-parent. The absent parent needs to be kept in the know about any problems if possible.

But what if the absent parent or even your new spouse feels that you have no right to discipline the child or children? And, of course, the child or children will usually feel that way too.

So where does that leave you, the step-parent? Truthfully, in a not so good spot. How do you earn the respect of your step-child if you can't act like a parent?

The best way to begin your life as a step-parent is to set out the rules up front. Sit down and talk with your spouse-to-be about step-parenting issues before you tie the knot. It helps every new marriage to have an agreed upon set of rules for handling discipline problems after the marriage.

If you are on cordial terms with the ex-spouse, suggest a meeting to discuss the possible problems you may face as a step-parent. This is a good time to ask for the ex-spouse's help in getting the children to accept you. Children will often mimic their parents' attitudes toward the new step-parent. So, by possibly getting the ex-spouse on your side, so to speak, you have a better chance at getting along with the children.

If this is not possible, and often it is not when dealing with ex-spouses, then ask your new spouse to talk to her or his ex.

The next step is to talk to the child or children. Go out for pizza or burgers and gradually bring the discussion around to "after the marriage." Keep it simple and don't come on too strong. Let the kids know that you will all be living together and if there are any problems, then you will work through them. Let them know that you realize you are not their parent. Don't threaten or try to push your authority over on them. But at the same time, don't be a pushover. If the kids try to test you, treat them the same way you will after the marriage. Don't play special with them before the marriage and then change afterwards. Respect in this case will have to be earned.

By having these discussions and having set rules before the marriage, everyone knows what to expect. Many times, however, the new spouse will find that it is easier to let the biological parent handle most of the minor discipline problems, especially in the beginning.

If you do end up doling out discipline, then do it fairly. Don't over react. Stay calm, listen, and keep in mind that they are children.