How to Have a Great 25th Year High School Reunion

In order to improve High School twenty five year reunions ushers should hand out hair-pieces and odor eaters for men at the door. It would boost the women's self esteem if they had free make-overs, Botox injections and rental "wonder bras". Everyone should be required to say they are a Doctor or Lawyers. Men should be provided with escort service "trophy wives" prior to arrival and women with 20 year old college students so they could feel like Demi Moore. Pictures should be taken at that time.

All attendees should be required to drink the equivalent 5 hard liquor drinks within the first hour. After that the real husbands and wives can come in and replace the escorts. The men could remove their wigs and Therma-Care pads. Since everyone will be snockered, no-one will notice a difference.

The party should end at 9:30 PM since that is most people in their near 50's bedtime and it will reduce the likelihood of anyone getting a coronary during the reunion.

The auction prizes should be Teflon coated stints, pace-makers and diabetic blood testing kits with a grand prize of a free two week stay at the Mayo Clinic.

The invitations should be sent out in large print. All refreshments should be healthy such tofu stuffed tomatoes and celery with spring water and lemon dip and contain nutritional information labels. There should be no trans fat, no sugar and caffeine in the refreshment area.

Activities should include walker and wheelchair races, egg toss with hard boiled eggs and timed standing from a sitting position. Music will be provided by the Geico cavemen with greatest hits of post Neolithic Era followed by a motivational talk by Bill and Karolyn Slowsky on the benefits of slowing down the pace of life.

Valet service should be available to help all guests return to their handi-vans.