How to Be a Great Dinner Guest

Have mainstream Americans forgotten how to be gracious dinner guests? Or, more likely, were we never taught? I'm not talking about the "let my servants carry your fur to the cloak room" or the "let's retire to the parlor for a sip of brandy and a cigar" type of dinner gatherings. If that were the case, I would surely need to stop here as I would have nothing to offer you.

I'm referring to the casual lunch or dinner get-together among friends, or even a business dinner at a colleague's home. Regardless of the occasion or how well you know the host(s), there are several things that you should always do (and say) upon receiving an invitation to share a meal at someone else's home. Every time, and without hesitation. America could be a lot sweeter if we all showed this much courtesy on instinct. With enough practice, it could happen!

1. Thank him or her for the invitation. This should be the first thing out of your mouth; no exceptions. Regardless of whether or not you think you'll be able to attend. Say it with me now, "Thank you so much for inviting me (us). That sounds wonderful!" (Even you have to follow up with, "I'm sorry but we'll be out of town this weekend.")

2. The next thing you should say is, "What can I bring? How about (a dessert you know how to make) or maybe (a type of salad)?" Insert whatever type of item you think would be appropriate to the situation, and one that you can actually provide.

3. Don't say "Do you want me to bring something?" It sounds like you are asking the same question, but the first version gives the host the reassurance that it really is no bother and you'd be happy to help with some of the cooking. The second version is just begging for them to turn you down. It's a very subtle way to act like you are making a generous offer, but you'd really rather not go to the trouble.

4. If the host declines your offer, consider bringing something anyway. I say 'consider' because sometimes he or she may say something like, "Thanks, but I've specially ordered my family's favorite cheesecake for dessert." In this case, it could very well be considered rude to bring a dessert; the host specifically stated that he or she has something planned. If so, the next suggestion carries even more weight.

5. When the day or evening arrives, call ahead and ask if there is anything you can pick up along the way. The host is undoubtedly very busy cooking, straightening up, and making sure all those little details are just right before the guests arrive. How many times has there been that last-minute trip to the corner market for a bag of ice, napkins, or some silly (but necessary) thing? It is so much easier for you to pull over since you are out driving anyway. You will be a life saver for sure.

6. Upon arriving, you should always help out with whatever activities are in progress. Do you see veggies on the counter next to a cutting board and a knife? Hint, hint: wash your hands and start cutting. You don't need to ask first, except perhaps to ask something instructional such as, "How would you like the cucumbers sliced?" If anything looks like it is not quite finished, jump in and help.

7. If there are children included in your get-together, make sure you are pitching in to supervise, whether they are your children or not. I've attended many parties (including at my own house) where every one thinks someone else is checking on the children. Whoops... no one noticed that Billy spilled Strawberry Fanta all over mom's bed spread. Or worse yet, hearing someone screaming, "Where did all this blood come from?"

8. Make sure you are helpful in cleaning up after the meal. You may have already discovered: this is where most of the great conversations happen. Again, don't say, "Do you want me to help clean up?" (See suggestion # 3 above.) Just start doing it while chatting away with your friends. Remember, it is never as tedious to clean up someone else's dishes as it is to clean up your own.

9. Thank your host for the time they spent in preparation and for opening their home to you. It can be a lot of work to have guests over, and it is nice to be appreciated. Also, don't forget to compliment the great company and wonderful food, even if you won't be asking for that scallops recipe. There is always something you can rave about. Be sure to do it.

10. Return the favor by offering to host the next gathering of friends. Maybe you have enough room to invite the whole group. Even if your home is small, you should at least warmly suggest a time for the host and his or her family to join you for dinner.