How to Handle Being Lied To

The purpose of this article isn't to deal with the sudden mistrust and suspicion that a lie will bring. I wrote other articles dealing with that. This article is on how to deal with the lie itself.

NEVER REACT EMOTIONALLY TO A LIE

Every lie will hurt. In some cases, they will hurt deeply. And you will have strong emotional reactions to a lie. But there needs to be a point where you step outside the pain and look at it objectively. Anger, rage, or any sort of emotional reaction will only verify to the other person the need to lie in the first place.

If a wife knew of her husband's jealousy issue and lied about a brief conversation she had with another man, even an innocent one, and her husband caught her at the lie and became furious, it will only verify to her that she just needs to be more careful about her future lies.

Take time to settle down before addressing the lie. You may need to pretend that the lie was told to someone else, not you. You need to be somewhat objective before you can do anything about it.

YOU MUST CONFRONT THE LIE IN A CALM RATIONAL MANNER

A lie cannot go unaddressed. With that in mind, you need to know that the end result will never be satisfying to you. You won't leave a conversation about a lie feeling good or at ease. It's just the nature of the beast.

Your goal is to demonstrate maturity and rationalization in front of the person that lied to you. You want to get them to realize that lying to you was not only unnecessary, but a complete waste of time.

It may be that you need to get some counseling, but the person who lied to you won't even consider it if you aren't calm and rational. You need to talk. You need to describe your fears about potential problems that the lie produces. There is no need to say things like:

* How could you lie to me!
* How dare you!
* You lying pig (or other worthless expletive)!
* I hate you!

These things accomplish nothing. Instead, you need to talk about where you see the lie taking you and your fears of going there. Do your best to get the other person to realize that his lie has consequences they never dreamed about. You can even talk about what your feelings might make you think and do in the future.

Again, all this needs to be done calmly and rationally.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WERE LIED TO

The basic reasons why people lie are these:

1. To get out of trouble.
2. To gain something.
3. Because they fear something.
4. To be thought of better.
5. To hurt someone.

There are others, but these are the most common. In dealing with a lie, it is important to try and find out why you were lied to. Did they fear your reaction? Were they trying to hide something they knew you wouldn't approve of? Were they trying to get you to think better about them? Did they know they would get in trouble if they spoke the truth? Were they just trying to hurt you?

The reason for the lie will give you insight into their character and thinking. If someone was just trying to get me to think more highly of him or her, I'd be much more inclined to dismiss the lie. But if they were trying to hurt me with the lie, it would be much tougher to trust and dismiss it.

So try and figure out why you were lied to. You aren't necessarily even looking for specifics of a particular lie. Rather you just want to know the purpose of the lie, what they were trying to accomplish.

A fear can be easily dealt with by a loving friend, parent, or spouse. But anger and selfishness are two more complicated problems. Knowing why will help you in what you can do.

FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE THE LIE

I didn't say that you had to find a way to trust again. Forgiveness will release you from the pain and burden of the lie. If you can't forgive, you'll carry a burden much too heavy to carry. It will cripple you emotionally and prevent you from having any strength to actually fix the relationship.

Forgiveness is for you, not the person that lied to you. You forgive them so that you can deal with the situation and hopefully grow beyond it.

To learn more, or to get the Author's book, 'Fitly Spoken', a book on developing communication and social skills for relationships, visit: www.fitlyspoken.org