How Do You Handle the Death of Someone Close to You?

Today, September 22nd, is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64 today; the very thought of that is mind-boggling on two levels. On one side I'm using the words "would have been" and on the other hand the number "64". It's very hard for me to think of my mom as "old" because she never looked it. Even before she passed in 2005 she didn't look a day over 38. I'm thankful that I inherited her youthfulness and it'll serve my children well also. I'm not a person who uses those special days like birthdays and holidays to remember the special people who've left the earth; all I need is something to trigger a thought.

I remember the day after she died I was looking at my college graduation photo. It was in this big frame in the living room and I couldn't help but think that my mom made all these sacrifices so that I could graduate college. In fact she made a lot of sacrifices in order for me to get where I am. She's not the only one, but this is my article to honor her. I lived in a house with two women, my mom and her mom. I didn't have a father figure growing up but have since reconnected with my dad and our relationship is growing slowly but surely. In times like this I miss my mom, but I know she's enjoying heaven immensely and I'm happy for her that she's enjoying life outside of this earth.

The times that I miss her most I think are those notable life achievements or milestones. I wished she was there with me at the closing table when I bought my first house... I wish she was there when my first child came in the world... I wished she was in the front row the day that I got married... things like that. She didn't get to see the fruit of her labor but I live out her legacy by being the best that I can be. I want to make sure that her life had meaning. I figure if she gave up all of this for me then she must have really loved me and I don't want to waste the days and nights she spent figuring out how to put her only child in a place head and shoulders above all the other children in the world.

I must say going to her funeral was one of the most surreal experiences I'd ever had. It probably pales in comparison to my grandmother's experience of being at the funeral of her only child... but for me it was still a wild experience. It's one thing to go to the funeral of someone you don't know well, but then to go to one and you're the one getting all the hugs and all the cards and all the well wishes... it's humbling. I know for me it was God that helped me through that day and the 1,500+ days that have followed since she left this earth.

So how do you make it when someone you love dies? How do you keep going when an integral part of you has left? There are three things that I would say to you having experienced it myself...

The first is to find your center. I'm not talking about doing some yoga-related exercise or meditation technique. I mean find out what's important to you. Get rid of the junk in your life and keep going with the stuff that really counts. For me that's God, my family, and my purpose here on earth. Everything else is either unnecessary or irrelevant. I don't have time to waste on foolish things; I must continue to grow wise.

The second is to embrace your true friends and family. I'm not here to impress anyone but God. If you don't like the real me I'm fine with that. You can do your thing and I can do mine. I will not waste time trying to make you like me or even agree with me. If we have differing opinions, I'm fine with that. We can agree to disagree, or agree to revisit the issue at a later date. I don't believe in purposeless arguments, they're fruitless. Those people that are your real friends and family, love them, know them better, and spend time with them. Life isn't all about work; it's mostly about the people who help make you who you are. You'll fool around and have worked for years and have nothing to show for it and no one to share it with. Is that how you want your life to be remembered?

The third and last thing is continue the legacy of that loved one by being the best you can be. Even when someone dies, someone else might need you. Yes, there is a time to grieve and a time to heal, but that should not be the rest of your life. Take time for you, and then get back to making time for others. The person that died wouldn't want you to cry over them everyday all day until your life's end. They'd probably smack you upside the head and say get your act together. There is still life after that loved one has died. Your mission now is to work that life the best you can.

Unfortunately I believe part of life is learning how to handle death. We may see some people we love dearly leave when we think they had so much life left. It's not fair, but it is life. How will you respond?