How to Handle Manipulative People

Just about everybody has the potential to behave in a manipulative manner. In fact, occasionally being manipulative can be a powerful tool for success or even survival. However, there are some people who take being manipulative to an art form, doing everything in their power to get whatever they want by using sneaky, underhanded, double-crossing tactics. Habitually manipulative people are great at looking innocent, even when their behavior is anything but. They will do almost anything it takes to win control of a situation.

Chances are, you've run into a few manipulative people yourself. Those are the people who use overt or covert methods to get you to do whatever they want you to do. Sometimes manipulative behavior is relatively harmless, but sometimes it's not. A talented manipulator can put you in a difficult spot, causing you stress, discomfort, or even injury in the name of furthering their own agenda. In light of how manipulative people can eventually cause their innocent victims emotional distress and health problems, I've compiled some tips on how to deal with manipulators.

1. Learn to recognize manipulative behavior

The first step to preventing a manipulator from getting the best of you is learning how to spot manipulative behavior. People who control others through manipulation will say or do whatever they have to in order to get you to bend to their will. Dr. Susan Forward, author of the book Emotional Blackmail, uses the acronym F.O.G. to describe emotional blackmail tactics. F.O.G. stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, and these are just three tools manipulators use to push their agenda. Chronically manipulative people will also try to entice their victims with some reward on the horizon. If you regularly hear language from someone that makes you feel unusually afraid, obligated, guilty, or overly hopeful, you may be dealing with a manipulator.

Manipulators also tend to be experts at being passive-aggressive. For instance, you may tell your manipulative spouse that you want to quit working and go back to college. Your spouse might enthusiastically agree that getting a degree is a good idea, but then start doing things to sabotage your efforts to succeed in school. For instance, he or she might make it impossible for you to study at home by inviting buddies over during your study time. Or, he or she might make it difficult to pay your tuition or buy school supplies by spending all of your disposable income. If you were to confront your spouse about their behavior, he or she might loudly feign innocence. If you dare to get angry, he or she would likely respond by retaliating in some way, then blame you for "making them" retaliate. Manipulators are great at making their actions look insignificant, while yours come off as unreasonable or uncooperative.

The good news is that once you start to recognize the pattern of manipulative behavior, you can start taking steps to combat it. Once you combat manipulative behavior, you'll be able to minimize or prevent it, thereby lessening a manipulator's power over you and effects on your health.

2. Once you've identified a manipulative person, try not to engage them.

It can be very difficult to completely avoid dealing with manipulators, especially when they're family members, close friends, or ex-spouses. People who are closest to you tend to know exactly which buttons to push in order to get you to react a certain way. So, if you've identified someone as habitually manipulative, your best bet is to limit your exposure to them as much as possible. If you can't avoid the person outright, learn to excuse yourself whenever you start to feel like they're employing sneaky, underhanded tactics to get you to do their bidding.

3. Avoid reacting on the spur of the moment.

If you start to feel uncomfortable while you're dealing with someone you know is manipulative, simply excuse yourself. Practice saying things like, "Excuse me for just a moment, I have to go to the bathroom" or, "I'll have to get back to you about that." or "Could you give me a moment to consider what you've said?" If a person is yelling at you, you could request that they speak more slowly, repeat themselves, or lower their voice. These statements tend to distract the manipulator from their agenda, which to them, might seem all important. But the reality is, the vast majority of everyday decisions don't have to be made in a split second. If you can get the manipulator to back off and give you a moment or two to think, you will have made large strides in reducing their capactity to manipulate you.

4. Don't let manipulators make requests by using underhanded tactics.

Manipulators are very good at making requests that aren't actually requests. For that reason, you should learn the difference between a reasonable request and a manipulative request. Once you know the difference, learn to refuse or ignore any request that isn't made in an adult manner.

Here's an example of a manipulative request: "I haven't seen you and your wife in so long. You never visit me and I'm so lonely. I hope you and your wife have fun on your vacation next week while I'm here all alone."

Reasonable request: "Would you and your wife please come visit me next month? I would love to see you both."

In the first example, an actual request is never made. The manipulator has definitely dropped plenty of hints that allude to what he or she wants, and you would have to be pretty dense to miss what the manipulator is getting at, but the manipulator never gets around to actually asking for anything.

In the second example, a clear, respectful request has been made. Notice that the reasonable request uses fewer words. That's because there's no fear, obligation, guilt, or dangling carrot to dodge; the person has made a request and given you the chance to say yes or no.

Of course, you won't be able to force someone to make an adult request of you, but you can learn to spot manipulation and avoid engaging by refusing to honor manipulative requests. If you are confronted by a manipulative request, try to resist the urge to cave. Ignore the hints and guilty accusations and wait for the person to make a reasonable request of you.

5. Determine what your limits are; define them; and don't be afraid to consistently enforce them.

Manipulators live to get their victims stuck in lose/lose situations. You should always have an escape route out of that tight spot. If a known manipulator invites you to their territory and you have no way of getting out of it, make sure you're adequately prepared. Always have access to your own transportation, money, or whatever else you'll need to be able to leave the situation at will. Never invite manipulators into your home unless you're willing and able to make them leave when it's time for them to go. Consider calling the police for help if need be; but never threaten to call the police unless you are actually willing do it. When it comes to enforcing your limits, say what you mean and mean what you say. If you make a threat or a promise, carry out that action promptly.

6. Don't try to bluff a manipulator

True manipulators are experts at bluffing and you'll never be able to beat them at their own game. Moreover, you can't set enforceable boundaries when you bluff. The first time the manipulator calls you on your bluff, you will lose what little respect they might have had for you. If there aren't any actual consequences for a manipulative person's behavior, he or she will have no reason to change it.

7. Be clear about your expectations and try to leave nothing to chance.

When you're dealing with a known manipulator, it's best to deal in absolutes as much as possible. Ambiguities allow manipulators to engineer a situation that is beneficial only for them. Be very clear about your expectations whenever you have a meeting with someone you know is manipulative.

8. Don't worry about what other people think of you.

Habitual manipulators count on their victims' fears of embarrassment and looking bad to other people. They brazenly set up situations that will make them look morally superior to you. They'll use subtle but meaningful digs to erode your self-confidence when you're in a group of people. Their digs will look perfectly innocent to everyone but you and, trust me, the manipulator knows it. He or she is betting that you won't call them out because you'll be afraid of what the others will think.

Be prepared to look bad for publicly defending your boundaries, especially when you call the manipulator on their rude behavior. It's true that some people might see your reactions as excessive because they only know what they've observed firsthand or heard from the manipulator. Take heart. They don't know the whole story and, chances are, if they keep hanging around the manipulator, they'll start to understand your predicament before too long.

9. When it comes to manipulators, neither a lender nor borrower be...

When you're dealing with a manipulative person, the last thing you want to do is owe them anything. Manipulators are controlling people and they will do anything to get you under their power. If you owe them something, you will be under their thumb and chances are good that you'll end up repaying them many times over for whatever it is you borrowed. If you must owe a manipulator anything, do whatever you can to repay them as soon as possible. Even if you do repay them, you may later be reminded of "all they've done for you".

By the same token, it's best not to lend anything to someone who is chronically manipulative. Manipulators will use debts as a means of control, even if they're the ones who owe you. If you do lend money or property to a manipulator, be prepared to let go of it and them. Sometimes being repaid is just not worth the hassle of dealing with someone who uses debt as a means of control.

10. Don't let manipulators do you any favors.

This tip really goes hand in hand with the previous one about not owing or being owed by a manipulator. I felt it deserved its own explanation because manipulators will often use kindness and good deeds as a way of furthering their agenda and getting you to drop your guard. Any time a manipulator does a favor for you, you will most likely end up repaying them many times over. Manipulators often use kind deeds and favors as a means of accessing whatever you have that they want.

I know a young lady who is dating the son of a notorious manipulator. Recently, this young lady told me with much enthusiasm that her boyfriend's mom was going to help her land a job at the place where the boyfriend's mom worked. Red flags immediately went up for me as I realized that if the young lady did end up getting a job through her boyfriend's mom, she would then "owe" mom many times over for her good deed. Knowing the boyfriend's mom the way I do, I knew that mom would do everything in her power to collect on that debt when the time was right. I wondered if, when that time came, the young lady would think getting that job was worth the debt she'd have to pay for it.

Remember that any kindness a true manipulator extends to you will eventually be used as a means of control. Don't let manipulators do you any favors, especially if the nature of the favor is such that it could be extended for a long time. Be especially careful of accepting any help from a manipulator that makes you dependent on them for your livelihood or your home. What may at first seem like a sweet deal may actually end up being a gilded cage.

11. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

Manipulators work most effectively off of information provided by their victims. The less information they have about you and your plans, the less control they can exert and the less chance they can use what you say against you. Give manipulators information strictly on a "need to know" basis.

12. No means no...

Never justify your actions to a manipulator; it's a waste of time and energy. Manipulators are champions at using your words against you. Your best bet is to just say and mean "no".

13. True manipulators very rarely change.

Anyone who is consistently manipulative and controlling is unlikely to ever change those behaviors. Why should they change when they can get what they want from unsuspecting people? The only time a manipulative person might change is when it's advantageous for them to do so and, in those rare circumstances, the change will likely be temporary. You will not be able to change them and they probably won't choose to change for your benefit.

14. Above all, be assertive

These tips are all about developing a spine and sticking up for yourself. Sticking up for yourself can be hard to do, particularly when the manipulator in your life is someone who has real or imagined power over you. Your parents, your spouse, your children and even your boss may be excellent candidates for manipulative behavior; it can be hard to stand up to them and they know it.

If you find yourself in a situation in which you are being manipulated, take a good look at your self-esteem. Do you care too much about what other people think of you? If so, consider why you think other peoples' opinions are more important than yours are. Why shouldn't your feelings and opinions matter as much as anyone else's?

Manipulators get ahead by making other people their doormats. They know their victims worry about how they look to other people. You can't control what other people think of you. You can only control your own reactions to other peoples' behavior. The manipulator in your life is ultimately responsible for their own actions and reactions. You are only responsible for what you do. There are always going to be certain people who won't like you or approve of how you live your life. Luckily, there are plenty of other people in the world who will like you and approve of how your live your life, if you'll only take the time to seek them.

In my opinion, the best thing to do in a no win situation is whatever will ultimately make you the most comfortable and cause the least amount of grief to innocent parties. Sometimes that means giving in to a manipulator; but with practice, you can learn how to minimize the effects of a manipulator's bad behavior on your life.

Sources and excellent resources:

Forward, Susan (1997). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. New York: Quill

Simon, George K. (1996). In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Little Rock, Arkansas: A.J. Christopher & Co.