How to Handle Rejection After a Loved One Had a Great Loss

In the 'Dear Abby' Column from Saturday, August 18, 2007, Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, gave advice to a girl confused by the sudden rejection of her boyfriend after his father had suddenly passed away. The boyfriend ended the relationship claiming he needed 'more space'. The girl wanted to know whether she should fight for her love or move on. (http://www.arcamax.com/dearabby)

Abby's advice was to move on. If 'space' is requested, it should be provided. Otherwise, the girl would only drive her ex-boyfriend further away. Furthermore, the girl should make an effort to meet new people.

Dear Abby, I have to respectfully disagree with your opinion. Your advice is only right, if the boyfriend grew up through the experience and drifted in his opinions and expectations away from the girl. She might simply not fit into his life anymore, as it is significantly different in all aspects compared to before his father's death. However, this is doubtful in such a short amount of time as mentioned by the girl in her letter to you (one month since the funeral).

A different scenario of what occurred is much more likely. People, who suffer a great and sudden loss, especially at a young age, don't always know what they are doing. The pain is great and appears unbearable. Sometimes an 'all is doomed' philosophy is adapted. Everybody will leave anyway and one will be all alone. To avoid further great pain and suffering in the future, loved ones are pushed away. The reasoning is, if they will leave anyway, be it by death or otherwise, one should best take care of it now and get it over with. The pain cannot get any worse.

While I agree, a certain amount of space to grieve and cope with the loss should be provided. However, the girl should not simply move on and see others. If she truly loves her boyfriend, she should continue to show him her support and love. She should make an effort to prove that love can conquer anything and the time they can spend together is well worth the possible grieve at the end, when one of them passes away or moves on due to other reasons.

If she doesn't give it a try, she only proves the 'all is doomed' philosophy right. She will also always wonder what could have happened if she would have given it a try. If he still keeps rejecting her after this, she can still move on, but it might be with more insight into why the relationship did not work out.