How to Handle and Resolve Conflict in Marriage

In their book, 10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage (Crown Publishers, 2006), John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman and Joan DeClaire discuss methods of handling conflict in matrimony. While these ideas are most successful when implemented by both partners, they can still have a significant impact when acted out by one.

Approach Problems Areas Gently

Many couples fall into the bad habit of shouting, accusing and having temper tantrums when discussing an area of conflict. It is far better to take a soft approach and choose a time when both partners are free to talk. Try and state the problem from an "I" point of view:

• "I feel embarrassed and hurt when you laugh at me in front of friends."
• "I get upset when you accept invitations without asking me first."

The above examples explain the effect of the partner's actions. This is a softer and wiser approach than presenting the issues in the form of accusations:

• "You made fun of me in front of our friends."
• "You always accept invitations without considering my feelings."

A sincere apology is often an important step to resolving conflict in marriage.

Be Open to Influence and Suggestions by a Spouse

The Gottmans and DeClaire state that many people believe that accepting their partner's ideas or suggestions will cause them to lose power in the relationship. Research has proved the opposite. When a couple are open to each other's ideas and work together on them, the result is greater harmony and a stronger connection. Don't dismiss a partner's thoughts and suggestions but experiment and see what works.

Communicate Needs to a Marriage Partner

A husband or wife may feel hurt and overlooked when in actual fact, the problem is a lack of communication about needs. The solution might be as simple as asking for the partner to listen while needs are shared. Make a decision to be open and honest and try and address issues, wants and desires as they surface. Doing this will keep communication channels open and will help prevent small irritations from becoming huge explosions of anger.

Express Appreciation and Accept Praise in Marriage

As years pass, married couples often forget to express appreciation towards each other. This often leads to both partners feeling unappreciated which in turn can lead to friction and upset. Here are some ways to show appreciation to a spouse:

• Thanks for long hours worked
• Thanks for taking the garbage out
• Praise for a tidy house and home-grown vegetables
• A bunch of flowers is always welcome
• Give a man tickets for a football game and promise to accompany him to it
• Comment to friends about a spouse's strengths and good points

Conflict happens in all marriages but there are ways to handle it constructively. If couples approach the problem gently, listen to what their spouse says and communicate well, their marriage will be strengthened on an ongoing basis. It is essential to work at conflict, as left untended, it can be damaging to any relationship