How to Have a Happy Valentine's Day

After hearing one of my male co-workers grousing about the senselessness of Valentine's Day, on a whim I decided to type the phrase, "Why Do Men Hate Valentine's Day" into a popular Internet search engine. I was amazed to find over 256,000 hits! How did a fun, somewhat silly little holiday designed to celebrate the joys of love and romance turn into such a major stressor (especially for men)? And what can be done to change that?

Now, I have always been a self-described "girly-girl." I love receiving fresh flowers or jewelry for all kinds of occasions, not just Valentine's Day. I have celebrated Valentine's Days past with everything from dinner out, to weekends away, to actually receiving (and accepting) a marriage proposal from my amazingly romantic husband about five years ago.

But despite all of this I guess I never really thought of Valentine's Day as little more than harmless fun. But as I started listening more closely to some of the views that other women hold regarding this "Hallmark holiday" I found myself rather shocked to discover that there are some who take the whole thing way too seriously.

For example, some years ago I had a co-worker, who could best be described as "high maintenance." One day at lunch she related a story about another friend whose husband had purchased a bouquet of flowers from a local grocery store and presented them to his wife. My first thought was, "Aw, how sweet!" so I was flabbergasted when my co-worker went on to say, "Flowers from the grocery store! I felt so BAD for her!" Huh? What? Did I miss something? Were the flowers wilted or pathetically ugly? No; but apparently my co-worker felt that because the husband didn't purchase the blooms from a pricey florist they were somehow unworthy.

Maybe I'm just too easygoing; when my friend regarded the grocery store bouquet with disdain I found myself silently praying that she would not discover that my own boyfriend at the time had once given me flowers that he picked himself from his own backyard and I actually thought they were lovely! Oh, the horror! But deep down I started to suspect that perhaps men are somewhat justified in their feelings regarding Valentine's Day, because unfortunately ladies, some of us may need to just lighten up.

I think the key to having a happy Valentine's Day is to celebrate it in a spirit of fun and to remember that the level of a man's affection for us is not necessarily best measured by the amount of money spent. My former husband was a prime example.

One Valentine's Day early in our marriage he went to my workplace on the night before and decorated my desk. He went all out; chocolates, balloons and cute, furry little stuffed animals covered every available surface. It was a wonderful surprise and many of the ladies sitting near me were duly impressed by his efforts. Unfortunately, however, a little over a year later we divorced. Why would I divorce a man with a PhD. in "Valentine's Day etiquette"? It turned out that his frequent "business trips" were actually mini-vacations that he was spending with a woman in Florida whom he'd met in a "Sexual Issues" chat room on the Internet. It could be that the man who makes the bold, romantic gestures on February 14 may actually be easing a guilty conscience over bad behavior occurring on the other 364 days of the year.

Rather than pinning all of our hopes and dreams on what a man does or does not do on one day of the year, I think we as women would be better served by paying closer attention to how our men treat us generally. My current husband is a blue collar worker and a man of fairly modest means so Valentine's Day is usually somewhat low key, the diamond engagement ring five years ago being the one notable exception. But the fact that he will bring me hot tea and chicken soup on a tray even if all I have is a cold or that he will spend hours using a "squeegee" to get the melted snow out of the garage so that I don't step in a puddle getting in or out of my car says more about his love for me than $50.00 a dozen roses ever could.

And in this era of "equal opportunity" why not take on the responsibility of making Valentine's Day special yourself if your man is somewhat "romantically challenged"? One Valentine's Day I planned a weekend away complete with a romantic dinner, a show in the city and a cozy hotel. Now, I know that some women will argue, "It doesn't mean anything if I have to organize it myself!"

But why should that be true? When you moved out of Mom and Dad's and into your own apartment for the first time, did the groceries you bought with your own money fill you up any less than the food that your parents provided for you? Do you enjoy that expensive perfume or new outfit any less when you buy it for yourself? For me, being in a position to plan a nice evening or a weekend away is the best of both worlds. I feel a great deal of pride in being able to show my honey a good time and because I planned the activities myself I know that I'll never get stuck doing something lame like spending Valentine's Day at a hockey game (not that there's anything wrong with hockey, mind you; I just don't happen to be into that sort of thing!)

And to the gentlemen, while I do empathize with you in terms of the pressure that comes as a result of some women placing too much emphasis on the importance of Valentine's Day, there is one phrase that you just might want to avoid. To a woman the phrase, "Valentine's Day is just a big waste of money!" gets translated into, "I don't care about my girl enough to invest any money in making her happy." I know, I know, that isn't what you said, but unfortunately it is what we hear. We're from Venus, remember?

Instead of complaining, procrastinating and stressing out over what to buy (or not buy) your woman for Valentine's Day use it as an opportunity to show some creativity. Unless your girl is just totally materialistic, like my friend who turned up her nose at the idea of flowers from a grocery store, she will probably appreciate anything that is done sincerely and from the heart.

If spending $50.00 on a dozen roses just rubs you the wrong way, why not present her with a single rose over a dinner that you cooked for her yourself? Or bake a batch of cookies for her and include a romantic card. Bath supplies like pretty soaps, bath salts, and lotions are relatively inexpensive and last much longer than the flowers will. And if you offer to draw the bath for her and apply the lotion afterwards she will probably look at you the way Cinderella looks at Prince Charming (rent the Disney version on DVD if you don't know what I mean).

We just want to know that you are thinking of us and that you aren't taking us for granted. The key is in knowing what your lady likes and being willing to take a little time to make it happen. I mean, if your girl bought you a 50" flat screen, a case of your favorite beer and had all your favorite snack foods catered in on Super Bowl weekend "just because", you'd be thrilled, right? Well, it's the same kind of thing for us. Ok, maybe not the flat screen and the beer necessarily; but the fact that you know what she likes and then take steps to make it happen for her is what really counts. Even my philandering ex-husband knew that much; buying me Hershey's Kisses and pretzels whenever I was studying for a big exam because he knew that I always got the "salty/sweet munchies" in response to test anxiety. If you are sincere and thoughtful in your efforts she will appreciate it (and you). And if not, you've probably got bigger problems in the relationship than how to have a Happy Valentine's Day!