How to Heal from a Cheating Relationship

According to Menstuff.org, "Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)." These statistical numbers are unfortunately high and have a negative impact on the person who has been cheated on. Healing from a cheating relationship can be difficult but it can happen over time. The relationship also can heal and mend if both people have the sincere desire to make the relationship work. To help understand cheating and how to heal from a cheating relationship I have interviewed therapist Travis Frye MA, LPC.

Tell me a little bit about yourself?
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor by the Arizona Board of Behavioral Health Examiners. I am an Advanced Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and I am in the process of certification. My private practice is Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC located in beautiful Anthem, Arizona."

What is some reasons one person in a relationship would cheat?
"Before answering these questions I want to make it clear that there is never an excuse for an affair. I am well aware that there are cases and situations in which affairs occur because of selfishness, entitlement, and lust on the part of the cheater. These and other reasons as to why affairs happen need to be looked at honestly. What I want to write about is perhaps the most common and powerful reason behind affairs. Stated simply: it is the breakdown of the emotional bond in a relationship. For love relationships to thrive there has to be a strong emotional connection between the two partners. This is the "glue" that holds a relationship together both in the good and bad times. All of us at the core of who we are need to know that our partners will be there for us in our time of need. When we are hurting, sad, scared, and in need of comforting we need to be able to make ourselves vulnerable and turn to our partner and have them be there. We need to feel safe and secure and have our deepest emotional needs met. It is when the safety, security, and emotional bond fractures that people begin to look outside of their relationship for that feeling of being loved, desired, and connected. I often tell my clients that the more disconnected you are to your partner; the more susceptible you are to affairs and cheating. The goal in preventing affairs then is to keep fighting for the bond and to really be there for one another. Too many people give up prematurely when with more persistence and solid counseling that focuses on the restoring the emotional bond could really help to restore the relationship."

What type of impact does cheating have on a relationship?
"It often times will be the final straw that results in detachment, disconnection, and the end of the relationship. This is because in most cases the emotional bond is already in such a fragile state. Trust, which is foundational to relationships, is broken. Simply put, cheating is devastating. However, in some cases couples can and do recover from affairs. They often recover to an even safer, more secure relationship. This, of course, takes a lot of hard work in counseling and experiencing the relationship as being safe and secure. To help restore the bond, connection, and trust."

How do you help a couple recover from a cheating relationship?
"The couple that has had an affair first needs to understand how it happened in the relationship. Couples who have suffered affairs are caught in vicious cycles of negativity and disconnection with one another. There is more than one type of cycle, but I'll focus briefly on the most common. It starts again when the level of safety, security, and emotional connection are waning. One person begins to protest the disconnection. Often times this is done negatively. There is blaming, attacking, and criticism involved. The other person defends, pulls away, and withdraws. The withdraw may be physical but it is really an emotional disconnection that occurs. The more the person withdraws, the more the other person pursues. And the more the person pursues, the more the other withdraws. This negative pattern of interaction, left unchecked, will at worst lead to such things as separation, divorce, and affairs. Understanding this pattern, so as to not repeat it, is one of the first steps in healing. There are many other steps that need to occur for real healing to take place. In the amount of space I have it is impossible to lay out the entire recovery process. What you need to know is that healing from an affair can be done with renewed dedication and solid help from a professional who knows what they are doing."

What advice do you have for the person who has been cheated on and the person who has cheated?
"My heart goes out to the person who has been cheated on. I cannot imagine the level of hurt and betrayal you must feel. My advice is to surround yourself with people you trust and who will be there for you. If you decide to work on the relationship then please do not do it alone. Find a trusted counselor who works from an understanding of emotional bonding and attachment to guide you through the process. My advice for the person who has done the cheating and who wants to reconcile with their partner is to come clean, end the affair, and begin the healing process. The pain that you felt in the relationship prior to the affair was not justification to go outside the marriage. However, there is forgiveness and it is possible to restore the trust and emotional bond."

Thank you Travis for the interview. If you would like more information about Travis Frye check out his website at www.crossroadsfcc.com.

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