How to Heal from Losing a Parent

Grief is one of the hardest things to deal with and when it's someone as close to you as your mom or dad, it can be ten times as devastating. No matter how familiar you think you are in dealing with death, losing your parent is a shock that a person should be prepared for but is never really able to handle especially if that parent is of good health and is taken suddenly. Of course it's the natural way of life for the parent to die before the child but it leaves the child hurt, angry, sad and feeling alone. There is a way to heal from this pain and with enough time, you can actually smile and talk to them as though they are still there because they just might be.

Deal With It

My dad was okay that morning and on his way to healing. By that evening, we got the call to come to the hospital and once there, the doctor told us he was gone. It felt like my world had crashed in and I couldn't believe it. He was just okay, I said over and over again. They allowed us to go in to see his body and there he was, lying in a white body bag. They had removed the tubes and needles and he looked peaceful, like he was sleeping. I kept shaking him to get him to wake up and I just couldn't believe it. He was just okay! I was so upset, they had to sit me in the waiting room and sitting there, I had never felt so alone in my life. I was thankful that I got to tell him I loved him but It was too soon. He would now never get to hold and play with his grandkids. He would not be there to walk me down the isle and scare off any more of my boyfriends. I was a daddy's girl without a daddy.

I can now look back and say I am glad I dealt with it head on. Denial is a stage in grief where we try to protect ourselves by saying that the death isn't true and they can't be gone. That is why I encourage people to deal with it as much as they can because it will help in healing. I was responsible for everything from making sure his body was transported, to the obituaries. I picked out his clothing, chose his burial spot and was handed the flag at his funeral. My mom and siblings weren't there because they couldn't handle it and at the time, I was so angry with them. I kept saying how this was my mom's responsibility and how it was too much for me to deal with but I am now glad. By doing these things, I was able to except his death. I can also understand where my mom is coming from, losing her husband of 26 years but I think if she would have faced it a little more, she'd feel more at peace now and I pray that my dad places that peace upon her by letting her know he's still with us.

Get it Out

I cried so much that week of his death, I didn't think I had anything left in me. I got so mad at the hospital staff and blamed them for killing him. Yes, I considered it a murder and held them responsible. I regretted the fact that I didn't tell him how much he meant to me everyday. I was relieved when the funeral preparations were over and depressed once he was buried. The emotions that coursed through me during this time was strong and unpredictable. I'd laugh one minute and cry the next. I missed my daddy so much but couldn't get enough of my boyfriend. I came to realize that what I was feeling was natural and to try to bottle it in would be detrimental. Grief is a wild and soul-shaking emotion and along with that comes pain, hurt, sadness, anger and a host of others. That is why I think it's especially important to get it out. Don't try to "be strong" and if you feel you have to for somebody, find the time to be alone or with someone who you trust and get it out. Hit the hall, scream in a pillow, sob until your heart wants to burst. Just make sure you ex spell those feelings to get you on the road to healing.

Not sinner, nor saint, remember they were people

When someone passes away, we tend to either turn them into a saint who did no wrong or we focus entirely on every wrong they ever did. While this is a natural part of grieving, it's a bad idea to do. My dad was a man and like all men, he made mistakes. I know this and except it and can look back and be okay with it. When we martyr someone or turn them into a devil, we think this makes it easier to deal with but it doesn't. Part of healing is being okay with who they were. Forgive them any wrongs and rejoice in the good they did but try not to focus on one or the other. Look at the whole picture and remember they were people.

Live

The most important step in grieving is to live, fully and happily. This does not mean to go out and do crazy and life-threatening things. Bungee-jumping and having a lot of sex does not equal living. It's just another form of escape and not having to deal. When I say live, I mean, wake up every morning thankful and do something fulfilling. When my dad died, I was so obsessed with my boyfriend, that I started to feel bad. I thought I was a bad daughter for focusing on love and sex instead of "properly" grieving but after some prayer and talking to my daddy, I realized that what I was doing wasn't wrong. It was actually living. See, even though I lost someone who meant a great deal to me, being able to love and want to create a family with my love was a signal that life had to go on. It can be going back to school, traveling, starting a family or your own business, just do something that makes you feel good, alive and would make your loved one proud because knowing they are smiling down on you will make you smile. I guarantee it.