How to Help Your Aging Parents: Deciding when to Step In

Whether you're part of the "sandwich generation" that is raising children while they assist aging parents or still eating PB&J yourself, you may find you must take an active role in your parent's (or parents') lives. Sometimes it happens gradually, as they grow more frail. Other times there is a sudden accident or illness and you are thrust into action.

Few things will prepare you for the enormity of the issues you confront as you assist your parents. The first decision is not how, but whether to assist over the long term. A parent may perceive your involvement as intrusive or too much of a burden for you. They may be able to continue to manage on their own or with the assistance of friends reasonably well, and that's their choice. On the other hand, there may be clear examples of problems, such as having utilities turned off because a bill is not paid.

It's okay to let your parents get by without you, even if they can no longer operate at peak efficiency. It's not okay to permit them to endanger themselves. You must decide whether to jump in or--especially if you are young--alert someone else.

Thinking it Through

While you may be obligated to assist a lot during specific times or crises, the extent to which you do so on an ongoing basis is up to you. Only you know how your parents raised you and what you believe your responsibilities are. People reap what they sow; if your parents nurtured you as well as they could, you will be more likely to want to help them when they need it.

On the other hand, your family life may have looked good to outsiders but been unhappy because of a verbally abusive parent whose behavior was not apparent to others. Or, perhaps your parents were good people but not very good parents - more concerned with their social lives than their kids' homework. You will make your decision about your level of involvement based on your experiences.

Do not let anyone talk you into playing an ongoing role that you are not willing or do not believe that you are able to play. I am not saying be selfish. However, unlike diaper changing, which will end after a 2 to 3-year period, elder care can go on for decades, and the older parent needs more help as time goes by. On the other hand, if you compare your teenager driving without a license to your parent driving after they can't see too well, these could be equal headaches.

Here are some questions to consider:

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What kinds of things can your parents continue to do for themselves, and what kinds of things do they need help with? Think about such things as:

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grocery shopping
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food preparation
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laundry
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transportation for errands, doctor visits, or church
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personal hygiene
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medicine management
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bill paying (as in bookkeeping)
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financial support

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How accurate are your parents' descriptions of what they can do for themselves? For example, if your folks say they can grocery shop, is there generally food in the house?

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Are their finances such that it is possible to pay for some things, such as bookkeeping or housework, that might otherwise require volunteer assistance?

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How much time do you have? (If you have two children and work and say you have lots of time, get thee into therapy.)

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How secure are your finances? There is no point overextending your credit cards on your parents' behalf.

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How flexible is your employer about time off for family care - child or parental?

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What kind of relationship have you and your parents had over time? Do you look forward to seeing them? Have you treated one another with mutual respect?

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As a young adult, how dependant have you been on your parents? If you relied on them a lot, it will be harder for them to see you as a provider of assistance.

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Who else can help? Caregiving is a team sport.

Think hard about these questions, perhaps even write down the answers to you really look at the issues. Consider how you want to spend the next few years, or decades, of your life. Do not worry about "what people will think" if you find yourself unable to provide a lot of hands-on care to your parents. You will not be abandoning your parents by arranging for paid care or involving other volunteers rather than doing it all yourself. You will simply be creating a caregiving environment in which all of you can thrive.

The good news is you are undertaking your assistance - if that's what you choose to do - after the enactment of the Family Leave Act. Eligible employees are allowed up to 12 weeks of unpaid time off for such things as childbirth or adoption or illness of a parent. Many employers have had family-friendly policies for years. It's great that all must now recognize that it is important to put people first.