How to Help Your Child Cope with the Transition from a Divorce

Transitioning from a marriage to a divorce can be emotionally painful for a child. To help understand common challenges a child faces when coping with the divorce of their parents and for tips on how to help a child cope with the transition of a divorce, I have interviewed psychotherapist Nate Bagley, MA LPC.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland Oregon who specializes in working with children, teens, and families. I work extensively with children going through a parental separation or divorce. I do individual therapy with children, family therapy with siblings, child groups, and parent coaching to parents who are divorcing or divorced."

What are common challenges for a child that is trying to cope with the divorce of their parents?
"Divorce almost always brings about a series of big life changes and transitions for children. For these kids it feels like everything in their life has changed and keeps changing and during, and in the immediate aftermath of, the divorce life can often feel very uncertain and scary. Divorce brings a lot of life changes besides just parents not living together any more. It often means moving into new houses, leaving behind neighborhood friends or even changing schools, tightening of family budgets, and sometimes not seeing one parent or set of relatives as much as before. How divorce affects children also tends to vary greatly depending on the personality and age of the child. For example: preschool age children will often worry about who is going to take care of them, and whether or not the everyday things their parents do for them will still get done. Grade school children will often worry if their parents still love them, wonder if it is somehow their fault, struggle to balance loving both parents at the same time, and worry about how this will affect their peer relationships and if other kids will still like them even though they have divorced parents. High school children will often feel betrayed or abandoned, and will find themselves second guessing their own ability to make a relationship work and having a somewhat hopeless view of marriage and intimate relationships."

How can a parent help their child cope with the transition from a divorce?
"If parents are going to help their child cope with the transitions of the divorce, they as parents need to be getting help themselves and working on managing their own stress and mental health. This is often an incredibly stressful and emotional time for the parents, during which they need all the support they can get so as to help be as present, patient, and stable as possible for their children during this time.

Parents can help their children adapt to the divorce in a health way by doing the following things:

1. Understand that the child is going through the grief process. The child has often had to say goodbye to people, places, and possessions, and they are having to let go of their idea of what their family is and will be in the future, and having to adjust their concept of family.

2. Keeping as many aspects as possible of the child's life the same (seeing friends, maintaining old schedules and routines, etc).

3. Working hard to insulate and protect the child from any conflict between parents.

4. Not talking negatively about the other parent in front of the child and conversely working hard to protect the child's relationship and image of the other parent.

5. Practicing direct communication with the other parent rather than using the child to relay messages, or asking them to report to you information regarding the other parent or happenings at their house.

6. No discussing financial issues, child support or other issues of parental conflict with the child.

7. Allowing the child to be angry at you. Although it is important to set boundaries around appropriate and inappropriate behaviors while angry it is normal and healthy for the child to experience some anger towards one or both parents.

8. Making sure that the child has other adults and peers they can talk with about their experience of the divorce.

9. Being careful to maintain parent / child boundaries. Keep from making the child your confidante or a person you look to for emotional support. Children need to see you express emotion and at times feel sad or angry, but they also need to know that you are okay, are able to take care of yourself, and have other adults you look to for support.

10. Resist the urge to 'make it up to your child' by buying them gifts, lessening rules or expectations, or only doing fun activities together. Your child needs you to be in their life as a strong, supportive, caring parent, more than they need anything else."

What type of professional help is available for a parent that is having a difficult time helping their child cope with the transition from a divorce?
"A Child and Family Counselor can be a very helpful resource for families that are going through or have gone through a divorce. Children can benefit greatly from having a safe neutral adult whom they can talk to and get support from regarding the transitions they are experiencing and feelings they may be having towards themselves, their parents, or their family situation in general. A counselor can help normalize the child's experiences, aid them in the transition process and help them learn and implement safe, healthy socially positive ways of expressing their anger and sadness. It will be important for this counselor to also be working closely with the parents, coaching, brainstorming with them, and equipping them with parenting tools specific to their new dynamic of co-parenting after a divorce. Because there is often high tension between the parents the counselor will often find it most realistic to work with the two parents separately rather than meeting with them at the same time. One resource I often recommend to parents is the book 'What About the Kids? Raising your Children Before, During, and After Divorce' by Judith Wallerstein. When possible, engaging in group therapy with similar age peers from divorced or divorcing homes can also be a very beneficial experience for children. This group setting allows them to tell their story and receive support from peers, to learn from each other and to discover that they are not alone and their experiences are normal. Depending on their age and relationship, children will sometimes also benefit from engaging in child family therapy together with their sibling(s). It is often helpful for parents to be seeing their own therapist through and following the divorce process, and parents can often benefit from meeting with a trained mediator in order to develop a solid parenting plan that cares for the children well."

Thank you Nate for doing the interview on how a parent can help their child cope with the transition of a divorce. For more information on Nate Bagley or his work you can check out his website at www.natebagleycounseling.com.

Recommended Readings:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5628618/helping_your_child_through_divorce.html?cat=25">Helping Your Child Through Divorce and Separation

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5638316/how_to_handle_divorce_anger.html?cat=5">How to Handle Divorce Anger

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5614438/how_to_get_over_your_ex_wife_interview.html?cat=5">How to Get Over Your Ex Wife