How to Help a Child Through the Death of a Parent

No one wants to bury a parent. For a child, the death of a parent can be a life altering experience. It's all too easy to make that experience even worse if you handle the death of the child's parent wrong. In fact, the actions surrounding the death may have a bigger impact than the death itself.

Learn about the stages of grief so that you can have an idea of what to expect from a grieving child. Though the stages are the same for adults as they are for children, the way that the different age groups handle grief are going to be different. There are specific stages that may help you to understand what is going on with the child.

Do not try to replace the parent. One of the absolute worst things you can is try to replace the parent that died. If possible, the child should have some time to grieve with the living parent. When my mother died, I was made to call another woman "mom" almost immediately and I think that probably hurt me worse than her actual death. Some adults may be tempted to think that the child needs to just get on with the day to day activities. It's important to remember that even though you may be the adult, this isn't about you. It's about the child.

Let the child grieve in their own way. I was working at a behavioral center when a woman from my community died. Her son was part of the behavioral program. In his grief, he pierced his ear with his mother's earring. He was labeled as a self harmer for that. In all reality, that wasn't even close to an extreme or self harming action in this community. In fact, had he gone out immediately and gotten a tattoo his behavior still wouldn't have been called extreme. That earring was as close as the boy could come to keeping his mother right there with him. Even as adults some of us like mementos of those that we love. As a child who has very little control in life, a memento might very well mean the world. That does not mean I encourage self harm, but I do encourage children to express themselves in a creative manner.

Celebrate the life of the parent. The child of a parent who died is going to be fixated on how much they miss him or her. Help them to overcome this grief by celebrating the life of the parent. Share your memories with the child and ask about theirs. This is a time when they may want to stockpile memories so that they can keep the parent alive in some way. Use smiles and positive statements to help the child celebrate the life of his or her parent.

Skip the social standards. When I thought about going to my mother's funeral, all I could think was that I wanted to hug her goodbye. In my case, this wasn't possible because of the details of her injuries that lead to a lace covered coffin. Even so, if the lace had not been there, someone who was well mannered surely would have tried to prevent me from hugging her. Keep in mind that the child is not only saying goodbye to a parent, but is dealing with emotions that may be bigger than he or she is. Don't let your own manners and social beliefs get in the way of the grief of the child.

Let them come to you. Have you ever just wanted to sit by yourself and think? Why would a child be any different? It's great to let the child know that you're there for them. By all means, make yourself as accessible as possible, but give the child the option of coming to you. Pushing yourself on the child is likely to lead to an angry outburst and possible resentment if the child thinks you are trying to replace the parent.

As smart as any child is, they really aren't small adults. They have their own thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with the adult world. they are entitled to these feelings. Your role is to empathize with the child and validate their feelings. They may have requests that you find bizarre. You might even have hated their parent that died. None the less, remember that it's the child that's important here.

References: Personal and professional experience