How to Help Children Adjust to a Parent's Second Marriage

Divorce is difficult for all children. However, each child will respond a little differently to the divorce and remarriage of a parent.

One of the significant factors in how children cope with divorce and remarriage is birth order. When parents are initially fighting and the marriage is falling apart, the third child will most often manifest this family stress by having stomach aches or head aches or by acting out. This is because the third child typically identifies with, and is the most sensitive to, the relationship between the parents. (The first child typically identifies with the father; the second child typically identifies with the mother.)

Once the divorce has taken place, there is normally a shift in the family dynamics. If the mother gets custody, she usually goes to work full time, thus becoming more of a father psychologically. One of the children, usually the oldest, then becomes the new mother. If father gets custody, he remains the father even though he usually takes on many of the nurturing tasks associated with the mother's role. Again, one of the children, usually the oldest, becomes the new mother.

First born children are traditionally more dominant, nurturing and protective of their siblings. They tend to think of themselves as the third parent. Consequently, they are very sensitive to losing status and to having leadership challenged or threatened. When the custodial parent remarries, it is therefore the first born who has the most to lose.

It is very hard for the first born to accept an outsider (the new stepparent) who expects to share leadership. This is true whether the first born is a boy or a girl. It is not a matter of male female jealousy; oldest children simply react to what they see as a challenge to their identity and their place in the family. You will need a lot of patience and understanding to get through this period of adjustment.

First born children will need a lot of reassurance that they are valued and that their place in the family has not been usurped. However, you will also need to clearly establish the role of your new partner as an equal authority in the family. While this is difficult to accomplish, it is essential to the peace and harmony of your new family arrangement.

The authority role of your new partner will be tested again and again during the transition period, which may last from several months to years. These tests will take place whenever your partner tells your child to do anything, such as, "Come to dinner" or "Brush your teeth." Your children will usually look out of the corner of their eye at you to get some indication of whether they can ignore your partner's command or whether they must obey it. At this critical moment you will either empower or undermine your partner as an equal authority. The decision is yours, and it most often takes place without a word being spoken - all with body language. Consequently you must once and for all resolve in your heart whether you will accept and support your partner as an equal authority or whether you see your new mate as an assistant, someone you call on to back you up when you're exhausted or frustrated with being the sole disciplinarian. Assistant authority figures will be challenged indefinitely, whereas equal authority figures will eventually be accepted without a fuss. It's up to you.