How to Help Children Prepare for a Funeral

It is overwhelming when someone we love dies and it is easy to get swallowed in a fog. As adults, we need to be sensitive to children's emotions as we grieve ourselves. A death of a family member or friend can be hard for the living to process at any age but especially challenging for little ones, who may be experiencing loss for the first time.

Having recently been to the funeral of my grandmother, it was interesting to watch the concern given to the different children of the family. From that, I learned very critical lessons and perhaps these will help you as you step slowly through the grieving process with children that feel the heartache of loss.

Spare Details

When someone close to us passes, we naturally want to know what happened. How did it happen exactly? How were the last moments? In our fact-finding, heart-wrenching conversations, children around can be the last thing on our mind. If we are hearing things in person, we should be mindful of our surroundings, such as a child in the next room. Kids know when something is going on and they queue on our emotions. It is natural that they would be curious and perk their ears. In times like these, you can bet they are listening. Even if we are on the phone, where the child can only hear our response, it is important that we don't give too much away with what we say.

Death is hard enough to process without adding details that a child cannot put into context, such as how someone died specifically, or what happened within their body. These details often create more questions. In some instances, where an adult is distracted, children may not ask fact finding questions to clarify a troubling subject. They may also jump to erroneous conclusions or assume they know the answers, giving them false pretenses. This can lead to needless worry, increased sadness and distressing confusion making the passing even more unsettling.

As you get reports or share reports surrounding a death, keep eyes and ears open for children that may be clinging to your words. When the time is right, share with them an overview with sympathy, but spare the details.

When to Share the Details

Nothing can prepare most people for the eerie feeling of seeing a dead body, particularly troubling for a child. It is important that you cover basics of a funeral with a child prior to walking into the funeral home and coming face to face with a corpse. Stick to the facts. Your goal is to impart what they can expect. Explain what the room will look like and the flow of the funeral. Take away as many unfamiliar elements as you can so that the child is not caught off guard.

Be frank when explaining that there will be a body in a casket. Tell them the persons eyes will be closed, like they are sleeping. Let them know that the person they loved will be dressed up. These details give them a visual to work through before facing their feelings over a dead body.

Children need assurance that what is happening is sad, but normal. Explain that this is the way most all families say good-bye and that it is to help them understand that a life is over. Above all, share that the person you knew is not there, in the casket - but just a body. Then, offer them the hope you find beyond life, such as heaven.

Saying Goodbye

It is important to let children know that everyone grieves differently. We know this as adults, but children need to be free of guilt if they don't cry, or may need to know it is okay to cry. It is a good idea to remind kids, particularly small ones, of funeral etiquette, such as no running or laughing loudly. Teenagers might need a reminder that cell phones are not appropriate. But in all the prepping conversations, be sure to visit how some may work through sadness...and how they may have strong feelings at the funeral, too - but no one expects them to be anything but reverent. In essence, they won't be "wrong" no matter how they react at the funeral.

A family member of mine went to a funeral where the small children (12 and under) were gathered early, during the family viewing. In that time, the kids were provided a piece of paper to write their loved one a good-bye letter. This kept them busy during intimate family time and allowed them to focus on the event, and work through their feelings.

The children were allowed to draw a picture, or write whatever they wanted in their message. They were told it didn't have to be long and they were assured that no one will read it. The notes were rolled up in semi-tight cylinders and tied with satin ribbon. Then, a small flower was placed with each letter sliding the stem under the ribbon tie.

All the children took their notes up to the casket and laid them beside their loved one. The oldest of the kids went first, demonstrating how it was okay to place a note on the side of the body. We did this at the funeral of my grandmother and it was special, the way it seemed to offer them closure in a way they could understand. Also, the task eased fears of approaching the body. Most important, it made the children face what was happening, and allowed them the time to process the goodbye in a very real way.

By sparing and sharing details with tact children can take in a lot, and your timely conversations will help. In this sensitive time of loss, it is most important to help the child find closure and honor the goodbye in a memorable way. If you are confronting a funeral, or anticipating the death of a loved one, you may even find that helping kids through the process may help you, too.