How to Help a Friend Deal with the Devastation of Divorce

When we marry, most of us, don't even consider divorce. We're sure marriage means happily ever after. But for many couples, marriage ends not with happily ever after, but in life shattering, soul devouring divorce.

Divorce happens when the commitment made at the marriage altar isn't enough to keep two people together. One party may decide the "for worse" of the marriage vows is worse than they bargained for, or they simply don't take their vows seriously. Whatever the cause, divorce is not only epidemic, in some circles, it is almost expected.

Regardless, divorce is never easy and seldom without a great deal of pain, loneliness, anger, and adjustment. Especially for women, self-image and confidence is often shattered. Marriage makes a couple and couples have couples as friends. Divorce often not only separates spouses but separates those going through divorce from friends, especially friends who are friends as a couple.

Divorce isolates. Those going through divorce, especially after a marriage of some years and investment, need friends more than ever. A friend can help a friend, going through or dealing with divorce, begin to heal.

How can a friend help a friend dealing with divorce?

It is important, of course, to be available and very important to listen. It is also important not to elicit graphic details. It also does the friend dealing with divorce no good to spend time blaming and detailing wrong done. A friend can steer conversation in a healthier direction.

Though I never thought to be in the position of friend to someone going through divorce, I have been, and more than once. I could only imagine the devastation of divorce after a marriage with high expectation.

What could I offer? A listening, sympathetic ear. I gave permission to call any time, day or night. I spent long hours listening, offering advice sparingly. What suggestions I did give were taken seriously because I knew and deeply cared for both parties in the marriage-regardless of some the hurts inflicted. I tried not to spend time ripping apart the offending spouse.

A friend can help by steering the friend dealing with divorce into a more positive mindset. That means not saying things like, "He (or she) had it coming;" "It's about time to divorce the jerk;" "How could he (or she) do this to you?;" or "It's all his (or her) fault." Don't put down the other spouse, however you feel that individual is at fault.

If you are a person of faith, do not use Scripture as a battering ram. The friend dealing with divorce already feels vulnerable and defeated. Be careful in using Scripture to either shore up the individual's position (as in, divorce is OK if the spouse has cheated) or use Scripture to try and change the mind of the friend dealing with divorce (as in, God hates divorce). Most likely the friend dealing with divorce has already agonized over her spiritual values. Instead, use Scripture to help and heal. (as God loves you no matter what.)

Encourage an attitude of forgiveness, not for the sake of the ex-spouse necessarily, but so the friend dealing with divorce can let go and move on. Anger and revenge hurts the person holding such attitudes more than it hurts the person to which they are directed. It also hinders the necessity of working together to resolve real issues-such as providing security for children caught in a situation they can not help, nor want.

Don't back away from a friend dealing with divorce. Ask questions about specific needs. Be willing to spend time and, if possible, get others involved in helping. Help with practical needs such as babysitting, transportation, steering the friend dealing with divorce to social events in which that person will be comfortable, accepted and not ostracized-even if not intended. If you take a friend dealing with divorce to an event, especially one where there is an abundance of couples, don't desert that friend. Be sensitive to the need to stay close without hovering. Introduce the friend to new people, be willing to leave if the event proves too much, and don't push too hard.

Don't force a friend dealing with divorce into situations before the friend is ready, such as dating situations. The dissolution of a marriage is a death. A friend dealing with divorce needs time to grieve. If forced too soon into a dating situation, the results can be disastrous for all concerned.

Draw the friend dealing with divorce into a group of caring friends. If counseling is needed, be willing to lovingly and sensitively suggest it.

Other than being there, listening and helping in practical ways, the most important thing a friend can do for a friend dealing with divorce is to keep confidences. Under no circumstances should a friend share what has been shared with them about any aspect of the life or marriage or problems of a friend dealing with divorce.

A friend dealing with divorce needs friends who are there and care. You can be such a friend and be an instrument of healing and hope.