How to Help a Friend with Depression

The television ad is right. Depression does hurt. Often we think of depression as a having a bad day or two, or a bad week. But true depression goes much deeper. True depression traps a person in a cycle of frustration and emotional lows. Physical problems can incite or follow depression.

For me, depression followed first the diagnoses of a chronic illness, and later, massive surgery. After a healthy childhood, I contracted Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis at age thirteen and ended up in a wheelchair for almost ten years. My body no longer responded to my commands, at least not without horrific pain. Thoughts of suicide filled my mind. Only later did I learn from a fiction book, of all things, that depression is a natural companion for those with chronic illnesses.

Some become depression after surgery, some after a major loss or change, some after the birth of a child. Depression haunts those who feel abandoned by the loss of family, friends, spouse, work. Even a move away from a support system can trigger depression. Depression manifests in a feeling of aloneness, that no one understands, through tears, chronic fatigue, altered sleep patterns, over-eating or not eating at all.

Once I realized depression was a normal side effect of my illness, I managed to deal with it and move on. Years later, massive reconstuctive surgery got me out of the wheelchair and walking again. But to keep walking when my knees and hips gave out required constant vigilance and surgery every few years. Usually I bounced right back. But not always.

After one of my surgeries, I just never regained my energy. Going through each day was like fighting through fog and it was exhausting. Month after month my body did not regain energy, nor did my mind, and the thought refused to go away. "You'll always be this way.". Though I had a good support system and a loving family, I never really shared what was on my heart. I did pray. Did read applicable books. Yet, maybe because I kept my feelings to myself, it took a year before the energy and zest for life returned. Only later, looking back, did I realize I could probably have been diagnosed as being clinically depressed.

Many never recover without the help of counseling, even medication.

During that year, I should have leaned more heavily on my friends. But as a private person, I don't like to bother people. The friends who were close probably had a small sense because they did listen, they did encourage, even, because I wasn't straight with them, when they didn't fully comprehend.

Depression pulls us away from the very ones who can help us the most. Looking back, I realize my faith, my family and my friends played a large part in my recovery. Because, no matter how much or little they understood what I was going through, they were there!

Those in a state of depression are so down that it isn't always comfortable to be around them. Depression pulls the light out of the room and fills it with gloom. And yet a real friend needs to understand several things if they truly wish to help.

First and always, keep what you are told to yourself. Be a trustworthy friend. A leaked rumor can lead to deepening depression with sometimes serious consequences. For sure, the loss of a friendship.

A friend must be non-judgmental. Yet, a real friend, though tactful, also needs to be honest.
A friends needs to be a friend and listen even when that friend has heard the same lament a hundred times already.
A friend can be instrumental in encouraging the depressed friend to go places, do things like help clean the house (tactfully, of course), exercise-even fix healthy meals together. Let the depressed friend know there is life on the other side.
A real friend also knows when to set limits for their own emotional and physical health.
A friend needs to be wise enough to realize when friendship isn't enough and to advise professional counseling without using that as an excuse to back away.
A friend needs to realize there really aren't quick fixes and be ready to be a friend for the long haul.A friend pursues even when their depressed friend seeks to shut them out.

Depression is more than a nicely wrapped television show. Real life depression does hurt and does take time. But with time, a support system and, often, treatment, most find relief from depression and are able to function in society.