How to Help a Senior Deal with the Death of a Spouse in a Nursing Home or Retirement Community

Dealing with spousal deaths can be especially hard on seniors, who have often spent most of their lifetime with that person. The death of a spouse can be even more difficult for a senior to cope with, if they live in a retirement facility or nursing home. Having spent years working in senior facilities and sharing the lives of many couples, I have grieved with many seniors who have lost their life partner. While there is no set way for someone to grieve, there are many small things you can do to help your senior loved one deal with the death of their spouse.

Helping Seniors Deal with Spousal Deaths: Be There

The death of a spouse can be particularly hard for a senior in a retirement facility to deal with, because they may not be on their home turf. This is especially true for senior couples who have not been in the facility for very long. The unfamiliar surroundings will give them little comfort and they may not have had time to make close friends.

A senior who loses a loved one and has been in the facility for years will be surrounded by familiar things, but will still miss the familiarity of homes and faces. Depending on the circumstances, they may also be surprised to discover that they are being moved to a smaller living space.

Be there to help you senior loved one cope. If you cannot be there in person, then stay in contact over the phone. Set up times you will visit or call and be sure not to miss. They will need to know that their family and friends are there for them, and that they can count on you. As loving and caring as staff may be, they can not replace the comfort of the close bonds you share.

Helping Seniors Deal with Spousal Deaths: Talk About the Departed

One need I've noticed the most, in seniors who are coping with the death of a spouse, is their need to talk about them. Even if they do not bring it up, you may want to bring up a story about how loving and wonderful their spouse was. This often leads to funny stories and warm memories. It is okay to shed some tears. This will help your loved one know that you are hurting too and reinforce your bond. This will help comfort them, as you comfort each other. It can help them cope, to know that the memories are still there.

Helping Seniors Deal with Spousal Deaths: Mementos

Seniors coping with the death of a spouse often like to look at pictures and other mementos of their loved ones. Go through photo albums with them or make a scrapbook to share with them. Include pictures of the departed, vacation spots and other special places or things.

Take them mementos of that are either past possessions of their spouse or remind you of them. This can help spark conversation and healing. They may want to keep these treasures, so be sure not to bring anything the senior care home will not allow or that you do not want to give them. Their emotions may be raw and it could upset them if you argue.

Helping Seniors Deal with Spousal Deaths: Enlist Staff Help

Most nursing homes and some retirement communities have a care plan for seniors. Talk with nurses and other staff who help take care of your loved one. Staff may be able to give you a better picture of how your senior is coping with the death of their spouse, when you are not able to be there. You can also discuss options for combating depression, such as counseling or involvement in activities. Be advised that legalities may keep them from discussing some things with you, depending on what rights you have.

You can gently let staff be aware that you will be checking in on your loved one. It can be an unpleasant truth, but sometimes seniors who often have family present are given a little more attention. It is typically not negligence of the staff, but a result of staffing shortages. Your presence will remind them that your loved one may be in need of additional care, companionship or compassion.

Helping Seniors Deal with Spousal Deaths: Give Them Time

The best suggestion I can make, to help a senior cope with the death of a spouse, is to let them grieve at their own pace. Some accept the death of a spouse quickly and are able to cope better. Others need more time to get over their loss. This has no bearing on how much they loved their spouse.

If they do not want to immediately talk or reminisce with you, give them time. Just don't give up. Allow days or weeks go by, depending on your personal knowledge of them. Then try again. Always let them know you are there, if they need you.

Be sure to consult with medical professionals, if you are at all concerned about how your loved one is dealing with the death of a spouse.