How to Help Your Son Fit in with Peers at School

It seems that not all parents recognize how important it can be for them to help their sons fit in with peers at school. Perhaps boys are thought of as less susceptible than girls to the judgments and opinions of fellow students when it comes to matters of hygiene, clothing, and hair style. But the truth is, that boys are just as closely studied, just as harshly judged, as their female counterparts.

CONSIDER HIS CLOTHES

It may seem harmless to parents to send their son off to school in a pair of jeans with the knees torn out, and a ratty, oversized t-shirt, but the truth is, that these kids get teased. Plain and simple, they get teased for coming to school dressed this way. When boys come to school dressed in this manner, or a similar one, the message it gives to other boys is that this boy's worth is somehow less than their own, and they will treat him accordingly. It is frustrating that this is the way society is, but it has always been this way, and it isn't going to change anytime soon. It does not serve a young boy for his parents to throw him into the mix in this fashion simply because they want to make a statement about the shallowness of society in regards to clothing. Make a statement with your own clothes, not his. He is still developing his self image, and these negative reactions and treatments from others will only damage it.

Some might assume that it is only families with very little money that send their boys off to school in this way, but that is not true. In fact, many families with lesser incomes actually try harder to send their sons off to school dressed well. For some reason, many boys from families with substantial incomes are sent to school each day dressed quite ratty. Whatever the reasoning behind this, it does not serve these boys well to be forced to attend school in torn clothes that don't fit properly. Even if the message parents would like to convey and teach their children is that a person's worth is not tied to the clothing he wears, the minute he steps onto school grounds, his peers tell him differently. And while he is still trying to secure a strong self image, it hinders him to be forced into this predicament.

This is not to imply that all boys should be supplied with highly expensive wardrobes, just that the clothes they are forced to wear to school should be in decent condition, properly sized, and generally match the styles the other boys are wearing. It could all come from thrift stores and yard sales, as long as it looks decent and they feel good in it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with obtaining clothing in this way. This is a great way to meet a need without being wasteful. In fact, thrift stores often have some great looking clothes on the racks, especially for kids.

MAKE SURE HE SHOWERS

Or takes a bath, or at least washes his hands and face! It is so unfair for parents to send their son off to school without making sure he is relatively clean. Believe it or not, many boys show up at school each day with dirt caked under their fingernails and kool-aid stains on their faces from the day before! There is just no excuse for this, and sending the poor kid to school in this manner will only invite teasing and ostracizing. It may go against your grain to consider anything other than a "boys will be boys, let them get dirty" mentality, but it will help your son in the long run to do just that. How can he be expected to find other kids who want to be friends when they don't want to get close to him? Think Pigpen from the Peanuts Gang, here. Come on, expose the kid to soap and water on a daily basis.

BRUSH HIS HAIR

Or if you can't be bothered to do that, keep it short enough that it doesn't need to be brushed. It's not cool to send a boy off to school with hair that is matted and sticking up in huge lump on the side of his head, it's mean. He will get teased and made to feel badly about himself because of it. He should be able to have a say in his hair style, because the bottom line is that you want him to feel good about himself. How can he do that if he is sent to school each day looking like Mogley from the Jungle Book?

DON'T ISOLATE HIM

We all want great things for our sons, and some parents' ideas of what that means is quite different from others. If your goal really is to help your son fit in among peers, then it will be necessary to allow him to participate in some of the same interests and activities of his peers. If most of the boys are interested in BMX and karate lessons, and he shows an interest in these things, don't force him to take cello lessons instead. Sure, you want to instill a sense of culture into him, but that doesn't mean you have to force him to be "weird" in the eyes of his peers. Now if he loves cello, by all means, let him play it. But if he hates it, and would much rather be out there with the other boys jumping dirtbikes, then let him.

LISTEN

If given the opportunity, your son will likely give you an abundance of information regarding his likes, dislikes, how he feels about himself, what he thinks of his peers, and what he thinks they think of him. Listen intently, and often. Be your son's ally in the battle of fitting in among peers, because despite all of the bad press that this aspect of a child's life receives, most boys really do care about fitting in. Contrary to the notion that trying to fit in is synonymous with giving up the ability to think for yourself, the truth is that a boy who fits in well with his peers has more confidence. The more confidence they have, the better equipped they will be when it comes time to make important decisions for themselves in the midst of peer pressure. If they have never fit in well, and their self esteem has inevitably suffered, they will be much more likely to crumble under peer pressure at times when they need to make important decisions for themselves.