How Can I Hide Snarky from the FBI?

Now we have to break out the heavy artillery because keeping Snarky or for that matter anything away from the FBI is something that has never been done successfully unless you take a few special precautions.

And even these special precautions have been overcome in several movies. Given that it is so incredibly important that you keep Snarky away from the FBI (and the CIA and the Army Security Agency), I have set about creating a secret special precaution.

This will involve the Large Hadron Collider which is about to go online in the border of Switzerland. The Higgs boson is certain to be unveiled in short order by the Large Hadron Collider, seeing as it is capable of generating energy bursts of up to seven Tera-electron volts (HONEST!).

Once Higgs bosons are being produced by the hundreds, they will never miss a few that we can trap in a mayonnaise jar that we will set in place within one of the detectors. Due to the great size of the LHC, they will never even notice an innocent jar within that giant framework.

Getting the jar in past Security should prove rather easy as everyone knows, people in Switzerland have only a rudimentary acquaintance with the concept of salad dressing and will pay no mind to a mayonnaise jar.

During the tour, I will distract the group's attention by insisting that they all learn the Hokey-Pokey. The Swiss are so naturally polite that they would not think of refusing. That's when you will slip into the ATLAS detector and place the jar with its semi-major axis juxtaposed to the transverse flow of the hadrons.

It's actually much simpler than it sounds but I have to outline each detail in order that it all goes well.

Later, we will have to burrow our way back into the facility (at midnight of the new moon, when Pluto is in the Seventh House, and Mercury aligns with Mars) and pop the lid onto the jar, which is likely to be chock-full of Higgs bosons.

When you get the Higgs bosons back to your place, you will to be rather careful as they are a bit slippery when you scoop them out. But a pair of ordinary tweezers should suffice in this case to secure them.

Get your toaster (or toaster oven) and hang it from the highest point of your ceiling. It needs to be plugged in; so you'll probably need all your extension cords to accommodate it.

Using the tweezers, you need to re-create a septagram with one point to the north... oh, make sure that that's Magnetic North; not the geographical north pole. Otherwise, this is not going to work at all.

(Almost done.)

Now that your toaster and Higgs bosons are in place, take Snarky and hold him tight. (I wish that I were in Snarky's shoes right now. {Okay, I know that Snarky doesn't wear shoes. [It's figurative, you know.]}) Stand in the center of the septagram and reach up and activate the toaster / toaster oven.

You see, the flow of ordinary electrons squeezing through the heating elements of the toaster-like appliance will encourage (again, in a figurative sense) the Higgs bosons to recombine in a plasma similar to the state of the Universe a few picoseconds after the Big Bang; thus being a Primordial Plasma.

This Primordial Plasma (or PP for short) will engender a warp noodle (not a fictional worm-hole) in which you and Snarky can enjoy full protection from the FBI, CIA, ASA, and, as a bonus, the IRS.

You will be free to move about the entire world with this protection in full force. However, it will be sustained only by your unconditional love for one another.

Are you up to it? You must be as I can tell that you are the most compassionate carbon-based life form in this part of the galaxy.

So let's get to it! All right?