How High Expectations Can Hurt Your Relationship

It was American author and politician Bruce Barton who once said, "If you expect perfection from other people, your whole life is a series of disappointments, grumbling and complaints. If, on the contrary, you pitch your expectations low, taking folks as the inefficient creatures which they are, you are frequently surprised by having them perform better than you had hoped".

In relationships, many people have high expectations of their partners, and become disappointed when their loved ones do not live up to their expectations. Is this realistic? And how does this affect the relationship, as well as emotional satisfaction?

Ronald M. Sabatelli, Associate Professor of of Human Development and Family Relations at the University of Connecticut, explored how relationship expectations affected the way that people viewed their relationships. Specifically, he presented a case looking at how relationship satisfaction was affected in premarital couples. What was found was that pre-marital couples actually had higher expectations than their married counterparts, including sexual activity, partners interest in sex, discussions of sexual issues, companionship, and displays of affection. Therefore, these relatively high expectations in the relationship before marriage are thought to be contributors to marital dissatisfaction. This usually occurs after the "honeymoon" period is over and the reality of the relationship does not match the expectations. Because of this, couples need to be ready to alter and lower their relationship expectations.

Gary Goldschneider discusses this issue in his book "The Secret Language of Relationships: Your Complete Personology Guide to Any Relationship With Anyone". He talks about the importance of easing up on your relationship demands and being wary of high expectations. Realistically, interactions are seldom free and easy, so it is important to not let high expectations get in the way of getting positive results.

So what should you focus on in a relationship? According to Dr. Bill Cloke, who has training in relationship counseling and couples therapy, says that studies have found that couples who enter a relationship with high expectations are more likely to experience conflict and dissatisfaction. What is important in a relationship, instead of having high expectations, is to work on a strong foundation of friendship. It has been shown that couples who instead focus on having positive interactions with each other and set realistic expectations are more likely to enter into happy marriages.

Basically, when in a relationship it is important to not set unrealistic goals for your partner if you do not want to be disappointed. This being said, it is also important to not set the bar too low and be in a relationship that does not fulfill you. Work on finding a partner who makes you happy and whom you consider your best friend, keep the communication open, and realize that nobody is perfect.