How to Be the Hit of Every St. Patrick's Day Party

Contrary to what numerous trendy shirts and slogans will tell you, everyone is not Irish on St. Patrick's Day. Just because you decided to wear a green shirt or, even worse, throw on some random socks that at one time were green but, over the years, have changed into a strange, greenish gray mold like color, this does not make you Irish. It makes you rather lame. It makes you like the awkward guy at an ugly sweater party who missed the memo and wears the same orange argyle sweater he wears every day. Sure, it's ugly. But it's not Ugly Sweater Party Ugly. Both these holidays are designed to go completely overboard, and act as an excuse to, once a year, make a complete and total fool out of yourself, usually through the exorbitant intake of either eggnog or green beer. So, for all you people out there who, up until this point, have been fearful to embrace their inner party animal, I offer the following list of tried and true techniques to maximize the potential of your next St. Patrick's Day celebration.

First off, don't dress up as a leprechaun. Yes, people will think it's cute at first. Revelers will be charmed by the nifty accent you've been practicing all week, and will love it when you say blarney. This adoration won't last. About halfway through the party, everyone will start getting annoyed with your accent, especially as the steady consumption of green beer makes you sound more and more like a bad Colin Farrell impersonator. As a general rule, if you aren't good at accents, don't even try. Instead, try going as as a can of corned beef hash. This traditional Irish Dish, beloved by all who try it, will surely make every prospective mate within the general vicinity view you as the bonniest thing since, well, cans of corned beef. All it takes is a metal trash can placed over your head with the words "Corned Beef Hash" written on the side somehow. Don't bother with eye holes. You won't need them. You'll be able to move around by following the "ooh's" and "ahhh's" of the adoring fans held in rapture by your creative inginuity. If bats can see through echolocation, well, why can't you? To make this already fantastic costume complete, be sure to bring around plenty of samples of corned beef hash. Everybody loves corned beef hash.

For the musically gifted individual, there is really only one instrument that conveys the true spirit of St. Patricks Day: bagpipes. Although generally associated with Scotland, Ireland is home to the Uilleann Bagpipe, more commonly known as Union Pipes. Anyone caught at a party with these traditional Irish instruments will instantly become the center of attention, even before they begin to serenade the crowd. And best of all, since the Union Pipes are played with a system of bellows, you can sing even as you soothe the crowds with your righteous bagpiping! Some classic Irish folk ditties to sing include the Lucky Charms Song and any number of the Irish Drinking songs performed by the cast of Whose Line is it Anyways? Be sure to record your performances during the party, however, as everryone is going to want to buy one of your tapes afterwards. In just a single night, you can regain all the money you spent on the pipes in the first place!

Of course, for the true St. Patrick's Day reveler, there really is only one costume to wear on this, the holiest of all drinking holidays: beer. Strapping a few kegs to your back, while probably causeing irreversible back damage, will make you the most popular bloke (or lass) this side of the blarney stone. If you go one step further and make a hat out of a 12 pack of Guinness, then you just might be the coolest person ever. ( This idea is generally not for pregnant women or anyone who wants to be able to lift things over 5 pounds the remainder of their life. Of course, if neither of these apply to you, go for it! One perfect night is completely worth crippling back pain for the rest of your life. Does anybody really want to lift things anyways?)

Finally, for the person throwing the party: I'm sure you're aware of the legend of St. Patrick, who drove all the snakes out of Ireland by herding them with his staff into the sea. Good news, prospective party holder! You can recreate this feat on your own! Simply release one snake per prospective partygoer, plus a few extra, before the bash begins. By the time your guests arrive, you should then have a series of staffs hidden throughout the grounds, making a fun filled game for everyone (except those with a crippling fear of snakes.) Everyone who goes to your party will never forget the genuine Irish experience of chasing around a herd of slithering snakes for hours on end, desperately trying to herd them into the small kiddy pool you put in place in lieu of an ocean. To make it even more fun, release several venomous snakes along with their non dangerous brethren. Don't tell your guests which are which though! Your friends will have the time of their lives trying to figure out if the slithering brown blur that bit them is a harmless king snake or the deadly black mamba. ( In the event that one of your friends is a herpetologist or an avid snake enthusiast, make sure to blindfold them before hand. You wouldn't want them ruining everybody's fun now would you?)

There you have it. With these simple techniques, your next St. Patrick's Day is destined to be the stuff of legends. Just remember: if red touches black, you're okay jack. If red touches yellow, kill a fellow. Or is it the other way around? Either way, this simple song will be invaluable in helping you differentiate between the harmless milk snake and it's deadly look alike, the coral snake. As long as you remember this and keep the green beer flowing, there is absolutely no way not to have the best St. Patrick's Day of your life.