How HIV Has Changed My Life

We'd gotten diagnosed on December 16^th 2004. That was a terrible day. My fiancée and I went to a clinic to get our full STD screening. We just went...because it was the right thing to do. Not because either of us thought we had anything. No signs or symptoms; nothing wrong. We had gotten the finger prick test. HIV testing done in 20min. You know right then and there what your results will be. I had been tested in June of that same year. Came back negative then, no reason to think different of this test. Boy was I wrong. AIDS was something you killed with bleach on the floor, not something I could catch. Wrong. I caught it. My fiancée is a bisexual man who's gotten into fights before and worked as a chef (a clumsy one at that.) There's no telling where the contaminated blood came from that got him sick, but it did. From somewhere, and then it got me. We went home that day in utter shock. Some tears were shed but not like you'd expect. I had no idea what this meant for me. I got on the internet and found horrible stories of what meds could do to you, outdated information about death in the early 90s. Fear and hate spewing from my computer screen. We didn't have insurance and we didn't know where to turn. We needed to see a doctor but who? Where? We got in contact with our local AIDS assistance organization and they helped us find a doctor and sign up for the state health program. There was a long wait before we could see the doctor. Apparently he was a busy man. That saddened me greatly but I couldn't focus on much but myself at that point.

February 24^th 2005 we had already gotten our blood drawn, now we were coming back to get the results. As we walked into the lobby the entire room was middle aged men. Most of them were Latino and African American. That's not to say that they are in the majority, but in my town, at the time I went to that office, they were the only ones there. Mind you I'm a white 22 year old woman at the time. I couldn't have possibly felt more out of place. I wanted to turn tail and see about getting my results over the phone. I didn't want to be in that office, that much was for sure. I felt like everyone was assuming I was just there to support my fiancée, and I was; but who was there to support me? We got called back and had planned on being seen together, that was the point of making our appointments at the same time. We were told that because we weren't legally married they had to separate us. I was very much less than happy about that but what can you do. They took us back to our separate rooms and we waited. And we waited. And we waited. We were there for (I kid you not) 4 hours before we finally got to see one another and discuss what the doctor had told us both. I was relieved and happy because my tcells (immune system cells that the virus attacks) were up in the 700 range which is normal and my viral load was way down in the 14,000. I assumed my fiancée was in the same boat I was. I was sadly very mistaken. He had a tcell count of 41 and a viral load of over a million. I couldn't even see straight when he told me that.

I asked what they were going to do for him?

He didn't know.

"Well are they putting you on meds?"

"I don't know"

"What do you know?" I asked him in desperation

"I don't know anything"

He looked so defeated, sad and scared. Can you blame him? It was at that point I realized I wasn't just fighting HIV, I was supporting and worried about someone else who was fighting HIV. The doctors weren't sure that they should start medication because they were afraid his test was a fluke. So they retested him. When we came back they retested him again. We had to do the test three times finally letting his tcells get down to 26 before we begged to not do this anymore. Please no more of this hell just put him on the meds before he dies. We were so scared. I wanted to put him in a plastic bubble. My fiancée the bubble boy. We didn't leave the house much in that time. We became very paranoid about germs and bugs and sick people. We also didn't leave the house much because as his body was acclimating to the medicine we needed to be close to the bathroom at all times. I had no one in my life but him. It was a time that we were so very alone.

So how has HIV changed my life? Its taught a flittery carefree girl that life is short. That life is precious and that if you want something you have to go after it with all that you are because it may not be there tomorrow. I was not doing a single thing with my life back then. Now I'm an AIDS activist, a small business owner, a fervent crafter. I'm in school for a career I enjoy and I'm a happy healthy wife. I'm on my way to living my dream. I've lost a lot of people in my life who have spent too little time with me due to their fears about my disease. HIV is like a test strip. It's a "can you handle this" meter stick. Sadly most can't. Though those who can; they're life long friends. Those who don't run, who don't shy away, who see me and not some HIV+ label, those are wonderful people. Without this disease I wouldn't be me. I've cursed it and screamed at it and hated it for a while now. I still have those days. More than that though I thank it for helping me to stand up, fight for what's right, not take no for an answer and continue to live one day at a time. One step at a time. I know what I want now and I refuse to take no for an answer. I would have never had the strength and confidence in myself before. I relied on others to tell me what I was worth. Now I tell myself what I'm worth. That's how HIV has changed my life. Do I wish that it was something smaller that could have affected this change in me? Well of course I do. However, I'm a stubborn bull headed woman; and I'm not sure anything less would have done all this to me and for me.