How to Honor a Father that Wasn't

My biological father left when I was 3. He cheated on my mother left his church (he was the pastor) and moved in with his girlfriend. I grew up knowing he left us and trying to deal with all the fun stuff that caused. But as Father's day approaches, yet again, I'm left wondering how others can celebrate their fathers. Especially when they aren't as fortunate as I was and he stayed (still behaving as he is). Mind you this post isn't for good dads, great dads, or even mediocre dads. This is a how to respect your father when he isn't one.

The first thing is to have a sense of thankfulness. By your very existence he has provided you with a chance at life (albeit probably not under the most fortunate example), and so you should try to remember this. You have a choice. You can grow up and be a man like him (or marry one if your a girl) or you can break the mold. I chose to break the mold. As of this writing I have been married for 11 years and have sired 2 wonderful children by only one woman ,my wife. I provide for them by the Hand of God, and the sweat of my brow. I sacrifice my wants and wishes to give to them. And I enjoy every minute of it.

Second, honor his title. Though he doesn't deserve it, and though he maybe the biggest loser since Cain, he is your father. Hate him though you may, he at least deserves a sir when called upon. Though that doesn't mean you have to respect his life, or his example. You can lovingly respect him as a person and biological donor and still maintain a respectful distance to maintain your own life. If your dad is the biggest drug addict, alcoholic, or whatever you don't have to drink/smoke with him and you sure don't have to buy his junk for him. On the way to your steady job you can politely step over him and say "I'm glad to see your alive dad, please don't puke on my floor sir."

Third, learn. I was blessed to be adopted by a really nice guy and so I had a good example to look to growing up most of my life. He is a hard working man, and he loves us. My biological father is currently a youth director in California with either girlfriend 4 or wife 3 ( I lost count.) I watched where my donor pleased him self, and my dad worked hard to take care of us. If you weren't fortunate enough to be adopted, look around. There are good people, and just because you were raised by junk doesn't mean you have to be. You can learn from the examples of good fathers and work for your kids. You can take them on trips, you can give up poker night to read them bed time stories, and so on. In short you can be what you needed but you just have to look. And please don't look to current tv dads. Their hasn't been a good one since Andy Griffith was sheriff.

Forgive him. There is nothing worse in this world than carrying around bitterness and anger at someone. If he's such a jerk why should you let it bother you? Why should you let it destroy your life? Get over him! Forgive him and move on. Forgive doesn't mean be a doormat and it doesn't mean make excuses. It means where he has wronged you don't hold him responsible. It means let go of your anger and distaste for him. If you don't let it go, your almost doomed to be like him. But don't fall for any emotional trickery on his part. I know there are people who have heard their father utter I'm sorry for the hundred thousandth time knowing it was just words. If your really sorry grow up already!

Last, if he ever really changes (and I mean really) love him. This is hard. The man hurt you, dissed yo mama abandoned you and your siblings and ran off on some self centered adventure. When the time comes and he realizes that he was a proverbial donkey and the grass wasn't green it was actually astroturf, cautiously be there for him. When a man is really trying to change one of the hardest things to deal with is rejection. Albeit they deserve it. But rejection can make their attempts at change fail. If you cautiously are optimistic you can give a wayward father motivation to change. Saying something like "You really hurt your family, but I respect your attempt at change, just don't expect a hallmark reception because you need to prove that you really are changing." A real man, a real Father, will hear this kind of discourse and realize that he can prove himself to his family again, but he will never get back what was. Don't give him visions of grandeur. If my real father came back in my life he would get a "Hello sir, these are my children, and this is my wife." Beyond that I don't want to spend a great deal of time with him. After all I have a wife and kids that I want to come home to.