How to Identify and Deal with Toxic Family Members
You Don't Have to Continue to Dread Your Toxic Family - Do Something About It!
First of all let's start with some examples of toxic relationships. Fathers who are only interested in their sons if they "measure up" as far as career and athletics go. Sisters who compete with one another to the point of betrayal. Mothers who are overly critical of their daughters. Drama seeking in laws as well as busy body's looking for something to gossip about at the expense of others all fit the bill as far as toxic relationships are concerned. These relationships affect not only one's self esteem but general sanity at times. These types of relationships are never healthy. There is a school of thought that one's emotions can affect one's overall health. If you are emotionally disturbed you likely will manifest those feeling into "dis-ease" or another physical ailment. When your emotions start to affect you physically it is time to do something about the toxic people in your life.
Family relationships become toxic when power struggles occur, bullying as well as deceit and betrayal. Usually there is a clear lack of boundaries as well as unclear and unrealistic expectations.
Basically the only way to deal with toxic family members is to either create strong boundaries or cut them out completely. There really is no in between. Your toxic family member may try to guilt trip you or become nasty with you. They will likely tell others you are crazy and make crazy accusations. This is all very common and just reveals the toxic family member's character further. Don't let them get you down as this how some people deal with life. Fortunately we all don't have to go through life living this way if we are able to recognize toxicity within our own relationships with others and correct it.
Some things that can help one over come toxic relationships are building supportive relationships with others as well as creating firm boundaries when it comes to the toxic family member. If you choose to still engage with the person this will be very important. Your boundaries will help the other person realize you aren't available for their toxic behavior and you are not going to be a part of it. For instance if your sister calls you to gossip about your mother you might choose to not engage and either change the subject or let your sister know you have other things to do. It's usually easier to let your offender know up front what the boundaries are. Building self esteem is also another important step in overcoming toxic relationships. When you feel strong and good about yourself your toxic family will not be able to touch you. Just be forewarned as his is likely going to drive them even crazier! Learning and using listening skills as well as connecting with your own inner strength and passions will help you on this journey.
It's not always possible to cut out toxic family but the way you deal with them can make all the difference in the world. If you avoid family functions or dread the holidays you could simply start new traditions with people of your choosing or limit your interaction with the toxic family members. Only you will no for sure what path is for you. Counseling can also help one sort through toxic relationships and issues.
Do not allow your toxic family to rule your life any further or effect your physical and emotional well being. Start taking steps today to ensure you will not have to deal with this type of damaging behavior in the future.
Published by April Horton
April loves to write about health issues and various modalities of alternative medicine. Including, (but not limited to); herbalism, flower essence therapy, Reiki and aromatherapy. April is a trained massage... View profile
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51 Comments
Post a CommentWhat do you do when it's your niece who is 20 and has a 2 year old living with an aunt (me)?
She's physically abusive, mentally and just a plain bully. She threatens that I will no longer be able to see my grand nephew. I feel like telling her to leave, but where will she go. I don't want her baby to be in an abusive or unsafe situation. She is using my love for the child as leverage. I love my niece too but she makes it hard to have a caring relationship because she downtalks me and bullies me when I say something she doesn't like to hear.
I have a majorly toxic family. My mother whom always tries to play so innocent is the "Queen Bee" when it comes to where most of it comes from. I have a younger brother and a younger sister. She is always using us against eachother to the point that we no longer have much to do with eachother anymore as adults. We were all very close as we were growing up. We also had a father that was incarcerated for many years, so I am sure that just adds to everything. I have always been considered the favorite child, smartest child, etc etc. My sister has a learning disability and draws a disability check for it. She has never had to work a day in her life. All the while, I have always worked hard and provided for myself and have been fairly sucessful in doing so. My mother lives off of an inheritance check she gets from my Great-Grandmother. My mother and sister have nothing better to do with their time than to try and downgrade me. I am the bad guy now that I have been married to a man
I have a sister who constantly stirred the pot with our family and pitted us against each other. I tried my best to get along with her. I constantly walked on eggshells around her for years. . She is a Jeckle/hype personality. She is nice to me on the phone, but she will stab me in the back any chance she gets when she talks to her friends or other relatives. She has ruined my family as I once knew it. I have tried to forgive her, but I don't have any trust in her so I have finally decided to cut her out of my life. I don't need this toxic relationship.
I have an aunt who is a chronic complainer and I just couldn't take it any longer. My grandmother is not well and can no longer live along. My mom and her other sister have been doing alot and the complainer aunt makes excuses about why she can't help out. She complains about my grandma on facebook and my mom. She complains about when she was young and how "mistreated" she was because she was the middle child. She has even told my sister-in-law about how it still affects her that her twin died. The twin was still born. It is a sad thing for my grandparents, but how could it possibly affect her the way she says? She complains about all this "pain" she is in. She has been told by doctors she needs to see a psychiatrist but she refuses. She spend most of her time on facebook playing games and she considers the people on there her "family". So the other day after being on the road for 4 days, trying to spend time with my husband who has been
I can relate to a lot of these comments. I have a sister who married into a lot of money and is mean and nasty to those who do the most for her-my mother and father who spend money on her kids, give free babysitting, and treat me and my brother like crap. She is an emotionally disturbed woman who tried to kill herself when she was in college-of course, that was everyone's fault as well. This loser does not not acknowledge my gay marriage, expects gifts for her children, and gives none when invited to family events. Cut them out of your life! They are pure poison and need a lot of therapy and medication.
I have a lot of toxic family members but the one who is worse out of all of them is my sister. She is always negative and her moodiness is very toxic. She has been toxic for a long time. We used to be close when we was younger but things changed once we got older. Ever since we was teenagers her attitude really became nasty. She used to call me ugly and fat all the time before I lost weight 6 years ago. She has autism and some other disabilities but just because she has a disability doesn't mean that its right for her to say and do hurtful things. She is 28 years old and she still complains about everything and no matter what my parents and what I do for her is never enough. She is very insecure and she is jealous of me because I graduated college last year and she envies me because she wants to be like me. My confidence and strength drives her crazy and she mistakes my strength as me having an attitude when I don't. I am a nice person but I will be assertive when needed. It
I am in my mid 50's now and it has taken me alllll these years to put all the pieces to the puzzle together, trying to figure out the why's of my family's behavior. I had to disect each person and see what they went through, knowing that's what led them to being the way they are. I then had to disect my life as well and put all the pieces together. It's then I understood fully who played the bigger roll in creating so many problems in our family, and why this person is the way she is. I find it's usually the one person in the family who is most controlling that generates most of the problems. I feel for her because as tough as she seems on the outside, I now know she is very insecure on the inside. I love her and the rest of my family and by examining all of us, frees me from their toxic behavior and to better understand my behavior when I'm dealing with them. Putting the pieces to the puzzle together has helped me because I understand now that I am to
It is important for people who are lashing out about "toxic" relatives to first take a hard look in the mirror and deal with their own issues. The one causing all the toxicity could very well be the one whining about it. I have a sister who waves the toxic flag at every opportunity, has cut herself off from our "toxic" family, has made my mother and grandmother cry, as well as my dad. Funny thing? With her gone, withholding her presence and the kids she had (out of wedlock but my parents did NOT judge) from their loving grandparents, our house is much more peaceful. When she is present, she fights constantly, hits people, behaves horribly and creates a trail of chaos that disrupts the lives of her siblings and puts us on edge. She has a nasty habit of either idealizing people or calling them complete losers. There's no happy middle. This is not a child--this is an adult woman. When her latest boyfriend dumps her and she has no where to go (she does
I too have a toxic family. I foolishly keep trying with them and every interaction turns out to be a disaster.
I finally moved to another country and most of it stopped but still almost every time I have any contact with any of them there is drama.
I have a mother who is such a trouble maker and loves to stir the pot and get other members fighting while she feigns innocence.
I have a daughter who guilt trips me with her bad childhood anytime she does something irresponsible. She is nearly 30.
It really hurts as I have bent over backwards for this child. She is so disrespectful to me. Several years my grandson would have had no Christmas if it hadn't been for me as she and her live in were too busy flaking out on drugs and not working.
I spent $4000 to have her teeth fixed as they were really bad and painful.
She doesn't even bother to call me or send me a card ever.
It is really hurtful but what can I do.
A therapist taught me that with practice, we can be totally unreactive to the environment around us, unless we choose to be. That it's part of being a healthy adult. Lastly, if things ever get dangerous or parasitic, it's time to move to another city probably, and don't visit for the holidays.