How Important is First Date Chemistry?

How important is "chemistry" on a first date? Many daters, whether they meet on an internet dating site, through a blind date arranged by friends or in their day to day walk, put a lot of stock in first date chemistry. But is that a wise thing to do?

Of course, most people want to feel attraction to their date. That's only natural and there's certainly nothing wrong with starting there. Certainly, if your date is so physically repulsive to you that you could simply never get over it, or if their personality or behavior is something you just can't deal with, by all means, go with your initial reaction and politely end the courtship after that first date.

But if most signs are positive but you just don't hear the bells ringing, you may want to give your date another chance or maybe two or three.

I remember my mom telling me the story of a man she was once engaged to many years ago who, when she first met him, seemed like the most unattractive man she had ever met. As she got to know him, however, she discovered that his personality was so wonderful that not only she but many other women fell head over heels in love with him. It was, as she described it to me, as if he suddenly became the most attractive man in the world. Over the years, I've met a few people like that, too, both men and women, that despite their physical flaws soon became very attractive to me by virtue of their warmth, intelligence and personality. Think of the movie "Roxanne" with Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah. She could look past his nose because she loved his mind, his personality and his humor. In fact, for most of us, those physical imperfections soon disappear as we fall in love with the person.

Obviously, then, chemistry is more than attraction and appearance. It is personality, intelligence, sense of humor, passion, style. It can be about someone that listens to and "gets" you, or someone that so intrigues you with their wit or wisdom or quirky individualism that you are drawn to them on a deeper level.

While initial attraction is easily experienced on a first date, true and lasting chemistry, then, may not come out until you've been going out with someone for a little while. First dates, too, can be awkward and stilted. Couples getting to know each other may not let all their personality come out or they may be sugar coating it in the early stages.

To get the most out of a first date, see if you find things you really like about the other person, even if he or she doesn't "rock your world" the first time you meet ... or kiss. As long as you aren't repelled and as long as behaviors or attitudes don't send up red flags that you know you should avoid, you may be wise to give him or her another try, and maybe another, as long as many of the signs are positive. You don't have to push it and keep on going out if you really feel nothing. Just don't throw in the towel on a good man or woman because you don't see fireworks right in the beginning. Give chemistry and your relationship a fighting chance if all other signs are positive. You may find the chemistry comes in like a flood if you do. And how sad to have missed it if you would only accept that rush on the first date.