How to Impress a Girl in 3 Steps

Step 1: Be. Step 2: Your. Step 3: Self. I'm kidding. You suck waaaaay too much for that. But contrary to your celibate homey's popular belief, girls are not all that complicated. Here's how to impress any chick in 3 simple steps. Oh yeah.

Impress a girl in 3 steps by being cool.

BE DETACHED. Forget all that stuff about telling her how you feel, PLEASE. You're like a big desperate homeless dog who runs up and humps everybody's leg, so nobody takes you home. If you want dates, act like you don't want dates. Better yet, get a life so you don't have to act. Seriously! All these online dating systems are just you faking like you have a life. Get one for real and you could start your own dating system. Mine is going to be called "GET A LIFE."

1. Impress a girl in 3 steps by having a passion.

   DO SOMETHING WELL. Now this is easy for a football player, you say, but what if what I do well is something dorky? Well, go learn something new. And when you do, make sure it's geared towards what a beautiful woman is looking for. What are beautiful women looking for? Easy. Just like men's basic drive is for sex, a girl's basic drive is security and protection. Obviously, muscles and money speak volumes about security, but what about humor? Why do guys who make girls laugh get girls? Besides just being funny, humor diffuses dangerous situations and makes people in general want to be around that person. If you're surrounded by friends, you're secure. Anything that requires bold physical movement is good - acting, sports, stand up comedy.

2. Impress a girl in 3 steps by giving her some space!!

   DISAPPEAR. Girls talk sooooo much. You have to give them a chance to talk about you. How do you do that? Go away! Think about it -- what do you call people who are never around except when they're doing something cool, and then right after that they're gone again? LEGENDS. Give girls a chance to make you legendary, to build up a fantasy in their minds. Then watch them treat you like a king next time you show up for your stand up comedy special.