How to Improve Your Child's Self-esteem

According to Sue Berne "Self esteem is the single most important factor in determining whether your child will grow up to be successful and happy." The word "self-esteem" is derived from the Latin word "estimo" which means "I value". It is the respect one gives one's self, an attitude and expression of one's self-image and self-worth.

Children are not born with self-esteem. It is an acquired trait that is developed by and determined by their relationships with the people around them, especially their parents. At the same time, most parents parent the way they were parented. If a child has positive experiences including being loved and praised, they will be likely to have a high self esteem. If they have negative experiences such as feeling rejected, unloved and not good enough, they will be likely to have a low self esteem. Later on in life, teachers, peers and bullies can affect one's self esteem. The good news is that this is not cast in stone. It is a skill that can be developed therefore it is possible to step out of the downward spiral and increase the child's self esteem and for that matter, one's own too. As Stephani Morton said - self esteem is the real magic wand that can form a child's future.

People with low self esteem are usually timid, fearful, anxious and unable to make decisions. Some factors that contribute to low self esteem in children are listed below. Read through them and try to identify if your child is being subjected to any of them, even if unwittingly.

• Being rejected as a child. Children feel rejected when their parents say things like "I don't love you because you were naughty". Adopted children feel this more acutely, as even though their adoptive parents may shower them with love, the knowledge that they were adopted makes them feel as though their biological parents rejected them.

• Being ignored or neglected. This makes a child feel that he/she is not important.

• Not being listened to - this ties in with the above point. For example, when children talk to their parents who do not listen to them, they grow up feeling that whatever they say is not important.

• Not being loved - this often happens in cases where the parents are divorced or the child is a product of rape.

• Abuse - Physical as well as constant mental and verbal abuse damages a child's self esteem.

• Being compared to others such as siblings, cousins and friends -this makes them feel as though nothing they do is good enough.

• Parents setting high expectations. Expectations should be realistic - expecting perfection from children just sets them up for failure.

• Not being respected - makes children feel as though they do not deserve to be respected.

• Constant humiliation and embarrassment destroy a child's self-esteem.

• Marital problems between the parents - This also affects a child's self esteem as they may feel as though they are the reason why their parents are arguing. Marital problems should be resolved away from the children where they cannot see or hear them as the best gift parents can give their child is to love each other.

How to increase your child's self-confidence

• Accept your child for what he/she is and show them this. Every child is unique.

• Love them, hug them and give them praise when this is deserved.

• Teach your child to love themselves and appreciate their own uniqueness.

• Give them attention and don't ignore them.

• Love them unconditionally and tell them this regularly.

• Treat your child with respect and they will respect themselves and those around them.

• Listen to them and give them attention. When listening, stop whatever you are doing, turn to them, making eye contact and ask pertinent questions or summarise what they are saying to let them know that you are listening.

• Talk to them openly and honestly. Ask them for their opinions.

• Don't humiliate them or call them names. Remember to "Praise in public and chastise in private". If they misbehave, condemn the behaviour but not them.

• Don't compare them to other children. Judge them according to their own abilities.

• Teach them to express their feelings verbally, for example, if they are angry and want to hit someone, tell them that you understand how they feel but that they should resolve their anger in an appropriate way.

• Teach them competencies and skills. The more that they are able to do, the better they will feel about themselves.

• Teach them independence. For example, with small children, one should teach them to dress themselves.

• Place realistic expectations on them. When these are met, this will allow them to build a "ladder of success" that will lead develop high self-esteem.

• Teach them assertiveness - children who are assertive usually have a higher self esteem than those that aren't.

According to Stanley Coopersmith, who was a psychologist at the University of California, an important pre-requisite for high self esteem in children is a high parental self esteem. So start by building your own self esteem - you don't have to be perfect, just be the best that you can be and your child will follow suit.